Masks Off: Disliked for Who You Are or Loved for Who You Are Not?

“Love takes off masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James Baldwin

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Sadly, I believe that very few of us ever reach true intimacy. I believe most of us have enjoyed the temporary joys of dating and making out and other conventions of relationships. But so few of us will ever reach true intimacy. And the reason is simple. God has given each of us memories and emotions. And when those memories are painful and those emotions are hurt by people that we love, we make a decision – consciously or subconsciously – to never let anyone hurt us like that again. Unfortunately for us, making that decision does absolutely nothing to our stronger desire to connect with others.

After watching different movies about life in the penitentiary, I discovered that a man would rather be in general population where he is in danger of being shanked (stabbed) or violently sodomized against his will than to be locked up in solitary confinement. It is the worst punishment for even the most hardened criminal to be locked away from others – even though those others may have and may continue to hurt them. This goes to show that all humans were made for connection with other human beings despite how hurt they’ve been in times past.

So how do we cope with that cognitive dissonance? How do we love WITHOUT risking hurt? This post does not attempt to answer that question. The previous paragraph just goes to show that humans want connection in spite of pain. Yet despite our desperate need and desire to connect, why come so few of us achieve it?

I believe the reason we cannot achieve true intimacy is because our past hurts “force” us to put on masks. They don’t actually force us, but they terrify us enough to put them on because we fear what could happen if we do not don our masks. Our memories remind us how painful it was the last time we loved as we truly were. Maybe as a child, you reached out to Mommy for a hug and she pushed you away. Maybe you waited hours for Daddy to come home to show him a card you made just for him, only for him to wave you away and lock himself in his room without any greeting or acknowledgement. These simple examples represent profound experiences that shape us. They make us question ourselves as to why our parents don’t like or appreciate us as we are. So we try to alter our real, “unlovable” selves so as to prevent being rejected again for who we really are. We’d rather be loved for we are not than to face the pain of being rejected for who we are.

One thing about masks is that we continue to wear them because they work. If they didn’t work in getting us what we wanted, we would no longer wear them. So masks are effective in a sense. Another thing about masks is that they can be changed at any time – even several times in an hour. So if you meet four different people in an hour, you could act four different ways to make all of them pleased with them. If you felt your Mommy liked you smarter, skinnier, neater, and cuter, you worked on that mask and presented it to her. You saw it made her smile at, compliment, and hug you. If you felt that your Daddy liked you more accomplished, you worked on that mask and presented to your Dad a new you that was a star quarterback, a great tennis player, or a straight A student. And that made Daddy show you off and give you attention. While it is sad that some parents do not love their children unconditionally, it is a reality that must be accepted. And once you accept that you had demanding, perfectionistic parents, you have another choice to make.

You can choose to be disliked for who you are or loved for who you’re not.

And if you make the right decision, you will remove those masks and say, “HERE I AM! LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME, BUT I WILL NOT HIDE ANYMORE!”

Now let me explain some things. I am not suggesting that you don’t change anything negative about yourself and command others to love you as you are if who you are is abusive, offensive, and criminal. Don’t molest children, beat up people on the street, and call people outside of their names and then say, “Love me for who I am because I refuse to hide under my mask anymore!” By no means! But what I am saying is that you have to understand that if you are not intentionally hurting anyone, you do not have to change to make people except you.

Another disclaimer is that you also have to understand that people have expectations of adults. A newborn baby is expected to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and poop. No one is disappointed in them for not knowing the alphabet. No one is shaking their head in shame because they are not walking. No one is scolding them for not changing their own diaper. So you must know that when you are an adult – especially a male – people expect you to work a job. Also, as an adult, people expect you to obey laws. Don’t be a lazy slob using welfare when you are able to work and then say, “Take me as I am!I refuse to work, and I will continue to rob and steal!” (If this is your attitude about not wearing a mask, I personally don’t expect anyone to like you.) But if you are a person who does not hurt others deliberately, who works a job to pay bills and whatnot, and who does not intentionally break laws or biblical commands, then you should not have to put on a mask to make people like you. Just doing those things makes you enough.

So back to what I was saying about intimacy. One cannot be intimate with a mask. You cannot feel someone’s face who is wearing a mask. You cannot know someone who is constantly lying to you. You cannot be intimate with someone who refuses to get close to you. That is because INTIMACY IS THE REMOVAL OF DISTANCE.

Think of intercourse. Intercourse is considered intimate because it is the removal of space between two physical bodies. In fact, not only is space removed outside of the body, but with the woman, the space inside is also removed. There is no distance between two people engaging in intercourse. The same goes for tongue kissing. There is no space left there. So it is intimate.

Well, that was speaking physically. Now let’s think emotionally. When you are truly intimate with someone, you remove all distance between their emotions for you and your emotions for them. They know how you feel about them, and you know how they feel about you. But if you hide your true feelings behind a mask, they do not truly know your emotions. So there is still distance. So there is no true intimacy.

Again, the reason we do not tell them our true feelings is because we fear they will stop loving us. But think of children and their parents. Younger children will tell their parent that their breath stinks because kids are brutally honest. But it doesn’t mean that they will stop loving the parent. We have to stop equating truth with abandonment. And if you do, just understand that those you were honest with who abandoned you were simply unwilling to be close to you. Doubtless, they’ve heard worse things from others that they continued to be in relationship with because they WANTED to be in relationship with them. But don’t let their rejection of you make you redefine the lovability of you. Just take their rejection as redirection to someone who WANTS relationship and intimacy with you.

We want so badly to be loved for who we are, but we learn to hate who we really are because who we really are – flawed – resulted in someone rejecting us. So we hate ourselves so much so that we forget who we are and begin to truly think this mask is the real us. But we must do the thing we think we cannot do. We must remove these masks and dare to be loved for who we truly are. The people who God has for us, will love us without them.

However, if you so decide that life with a mask is preferable to being loved as you are, carry on as you were. But just know that you are not in a real relationship. You are in a dance, an arrangement between a person and a mask.

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Afraid to Take Communion After a Sinful Week?

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1 Corinthians 11:17 – But in the following instructions I do not commend you, because when you come together it is not for the better but for the worse. 18 For, in the first place, when you come together as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you. And I believe it in part, 19 for there must be factions among you in order that those who are genuine among you may be recognized. 20 When you come together, it is not the Lord’s supper that you eat. 21 For in eating, each one goes ahead with his own meal. One goes hungry, another gets drunk. 22 What! Do you not have houses to eat and drink in? Or do you despise the church of God and humiliate those who have nothing? What shall I say to you? Shall I commend you in this? No, I will not….27 Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself….33 So then, my brothers, when you come together to eat, wait for one another— 34 if anyone is hungry, let him eat at home—so that when you come together it will not be for judgment. About the other things I will give directions when I come.

Ever been to a church service where communion was being observed? And before they administer it, they ask for a moment of silence for everyone to do some serious self-reflection to check whether or not they are worthy of taking communion. By communion they mean drinking a tiny cup of grape juice and eating a small, square wafer. If you don’t feel particularly saved that day, you pass on taking communion. For example, if you were drunk and turned all the way up at a party just the night before, you would not take communion. If you had premarital sex within the last week, you would likely not take communion. You decided that because you did a visible, more intense sin, then you are unworthy to take communion.

Is that what we read in the above verses of 1 Corinthians 11? In the verses I selected, we see that Apostle Paul is writing to the church in Corinth about a problem that he has heard about and/or observed during their communion times. But let’s get the facts. These people were not being chastised by Apostle Paul because they were arranged in lines taking turns drinking grape juice and eating small crackers. They did not have preset amounts of juice and precut unleavened bread. What we now observe as communion was at that time more known as a “love feast” which we hear briefly mentioned in Jude 1:12 – “These are hidden reefs at your love feasts, as they feast with you without fear, shepherds feeding themselves…”

How they did communion at that time is that it was more like a potluck. The believers who could would bring a dish or meal to the designated location. And they would fellowship and eat. As Jude says, it was a feast. And we know that a small vial of juice and a small wafer is far from feasting. Paul says that when they meet for communion, it’s not for better but for worse because for one, there are divisions among them which actually can be helpful in that it distinguishes the trifling people from the genuine people. Paul then goes into detail about why he is scolding them; he is scolding them in this letter because they are not eating to the glory of God in love for their fellow saints. Paul says that 1. There are divisions/factions within this church. 2. Some people begin eating before everyone arrives at the feast to eat which leaves the latecomers hungry. 4. The early eaters (and drinkers) are drunk! 5. The early comers humiliate those who are late (which might have been because they lived further away from the meeting place); and because Paul said the humiliated people are also the people who have nothing, it implies that the late comers are hungry also because they could not afford to bring food to the potluck (or else they would not have been hungry no matter how late they came).

In other words, they are not discerning the body. Body could simply mean the symbol of Jesus’ body – wine to symbolize His blood and unleavened bread to symbolize Jesus’ “leaven-less” (sinless) flesh.

1 Corinthians 10:16 – The cup of blessing that we bless, is it not a participation in the blood of Christ? The bread that we break, is it not a participation in the body of Christ?

Or it could mean the body of Christ which is the church as we read that Paul wrote in these three verses.

1 Corinthians 12:27 – Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Ephesians 5:23– For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Colossians 1:24 – Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ‘s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church,

Or it could mean both.

But clearly, if we read this passage, we see that Paul is disappointed in how the early comers and those who could afford to bring food would eat without regard for whether or not the late comers or poor people would have something to eat. He says that they are not coming together for the Lord’s supper because everyone in the body isn’t even there to eat! They did not discern the body of Christ in that they showed no concern or respect for Christ body of believers. And I would add that it was disrespectful to act gluttonous and to be a drunkard with something that symbolized such a precious person as Jesus Christ. (Apparently, there was wine at these feasts.) But how dare you drink up all the wine and eat up all the food. Paul asks a rhetorical question about whether or not they had houses to eat and drink in. It wasn’t that they couldn’t fill up, it’s just that they filled up at the expense of the other Christians who were en route to the supper. If you were so hungry, you should have gotten a snack at the house! Again, we do not have these problems at most of our churches because we have a prepackaged amount that is the same for everyone whether or not you are the first or the last person to participate in communion. So we don’t have to worry about gobbling up all the crackers and guzzling down all the juice. So since these conditions aren’t possible in our church settings of today, how can we make the principles apply in our context?

I would say that we should beware of how we treat our fellow brothers and sisters before we take communion. Sure, you might not have eaten their share of the communion, but in what other ways have you not been discerning of the Lord’s body. How have you treated your brothers and sisters at your church? We tend to think of those “more intense” and visible sins such as partying and sleeping around when we “examine” ourselves. But Paul here is talking about examining ourselves in how we treat our brothers and sisters. Maybe you weren’t at a party the night before. And maybe you didn’t lie on a test. And maybe you didn’t fornicate earlier that weekend. But did you put division between you and another church member? Did you humiliate them because they came to church late? Did you make them feel ashamed because they had less to give than you? Did you see yourself as better than them because you are richer? I believe that in this passage, THOSE are the things Paul wants us to examine ourselves concerning. Of course, if you are backslidden or reprobate for whatever reason, perhaps you should make matters right before you partake of Christ’s body symbols (whether or not your sin had something to do with mistreating a brother or sister in Christ), but just make sure you read what PAUL is saying in this passage and not missing the main point.

(By the way, I asked a couple of my seminary professors about this topic, and they said that they do not see that this passage is saying that a person who sinned that week(end) couldn’t participate in the feast.) 🙂

Impure & Defiled Religion – Spiritual Abuse

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James 1:26-27 – “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

What kind of religion should any and every Christian want? More than likely it should be a religion that God the Father in heaven sees as pure and undefiled. These two adjectives seem imply that there can in fact be impure and defiled religion in God’s eyes. Thank God that James informs us what the pure and undefiled religion is. For one, he simply says that is a religion that shows itself through visibly love and concern for orphans and widows when they are afflicted. We have to imagine the plight of young children in the Bible days. They had no orphanage or foster care. They were left to fend for themselves until or unless a person with a pure and undefiled religion came to see about them and their needs. Imagine also the plight of widows. These were women who were unlikely to remarry due to the fact that they were not virgins. Some of them were probably older women who could not rely on looks and charms to get another suitor and husband. These women and children, without men to help them as fathers and husbands, were unlikely to know for sure where their next meal was coming from. Their parents or husbands might have left them debts that would have left them in slavery. So how pleasant it was for this new sect of believers in Jesus Christ to visit them in their hunger, homelessness, grief, and loneliness to make sure they felt God’s love or to make sure they had someone to talk to or to make sure they knew someone had them on their mind. How pleasant to know that someone was always praying for them or had their wives to bring them something to eat! THAT is pure religion to God.

But James goes further.

Pure and undefiled religion also involves keeping oneself unstained from the world. Remember how Jesus said elsewhere in the New Testament that He did not pray that God would take us out of the world, but rather that He would keep us in His care IN the world. Well, while we are in the world, God wants us not to be stained by the world. The world is teeming with sin(s). Jesus expects to keep ourselves unstained from the world. Of course, the Holy Spirit will help us, but we have to be willing to keep ourselves from things that would taint us. Those “things” would involve keeping our thoughts, intentions, motives, feelings, choices, words, and of course our actions and responses. Oftentimes, our thoughts evolve into actions. That is why it important to guard our thoughts and to keep them unstained from worldly influences.

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We don’t see much pure and unstained religion in the world today. It is not uncommon to hear of a pastor “fleecing” the sheep of his congregation including the “widows” (who I would also include as being single mothers) and “orphans” who might just be being taken advantage of sexually by the pastor. This in fact would be considered impure and defiled religion before God. The very two groups of people the church is meant to protect is often the two groups of people who are most taken advantage of by leaders in the church. I have often seen churches filled with single women who are being nothing short of harassed by preachers to give their last. These women do not have a husband who can provide for and protect them. So they rely on their pastors to do so as shepherds are to do for their sheep. Yet, these pastors see these sheep as weaklings who are just ripe for the picking. A sexually perverted pastor might be married, but his eyes might be set on the poor, fatherless young boys at his church that so desperately want a father figure. These pastors will pretend that will offer this to them, only they are actually grooming the young men for sexually perverted relationships. And their single mothers don’t expect a thing because they are so desperate for a “Christian” father figure in their sons lives. Yet, these pastors leave the widows and orphans in much worse shape than they came in. This doubtless happens more to unmarried women who have no husband as their head to catch on to the sneaky behavior of a pastor. This doubtless happens to young men with uninvolved or overworked mothers who are too busy working two jobs to be totally aware of what the pastor intends to do with her son. Just like any other predator, they seek the weaker vessel (the female) and the young. They seldom attempt to take advantage of men or married women or children from solid home structures.

Nonetheless, it also not unheard of to hear of pastor after pastor and youth pastor after youth pastor and bishop after bishop being caught in unspeakable scandals. Extramarital affairs, homosexual relationships, drug dealing from the church, stealing and embezzling, insurance fraud, pedophilia, and every other ungodly acts are not uncommon among many pastors. There is actually a website dedicated to exposing these acts committed by church leaders in just one denomination – cogicabusewatch.org. And what’s sadder is that many of these ungodly acts one confronted by the victims are swept under the rug for one reason or the other. And the victims are made to feel ashamed due to the misused and misquoted bible verse, “Touch not mine anointed and do my prophet no harm.” The misuse of this scripture only sickens the church and strengthens the wicked resolve of those who would hurt widows and orphans. This is impure and defiled religion before God the Father.

Pastors, ministers, bishops, youth leaders and those who are in spiritual leadership positions at your church, please review this bible verse and stop misusing the “touch not mine anointed” verse. Most certainly, the same God who inspired James 1:26-27 did not intend for you to discard it in order to misuse “touch not mine anointed” in order to justify doing the opposite of James 1:26-27. Most certainly, God intends for you to love and take care of widows and orphans. Do not touch them sexually. Do not take all of the little money they do have. If you have enough in your checking account to eat prime rib steaks and they barely have enough to put gas in their car and to feed their family before their next paycheck, stop begging them for their last and give them some of your plenty. Do not take advantage of the needy. God is not pleased.

Unresolved Issues: Magnets Attracting What’s Wrong and Repelling What’s Right

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Ever wonder why you’re attracted to certain people and why certain people tend to be attracted to you? Also, have you ever wondered why some people are “repulsive” to you and why you also seem to be repelled by certain people? This doesn’t just have to apply to romantic partners, but it can also apply to friendships and even church membership. Have you ever stopped to think how you became drawn to or turned off to one person or group? While having one of my usual, unusual talks with God, the topic of MAGNETISM came up as an analogy to understand relationships. And this is what I discovered.

How we get into different types of relationships is kind of like how a refrigerator magnet is drawn to a refrigerator. The ONLY thing that draws them together is the Law of Magnetism. And what draws you to one individual over another individual can be considered a different kind of magnetism. I did a little research about how magnets are made. So as not to bore you with all the details, here is a very brief summary.

Magnets are made of a group of metals known as ferromagnetic metals. These are metals such as nickel, iron, cobalt, and gadolinium. Material contains several small magnetic fields known as “domains”. Most of these domains are independent of each other and so they face different directions. But when a strong magnetic field is nearby, it can be strong enough to cause all those domains to turn and face in the same direction so that they can align and make a larger, stronger magnetic field. All magnets are attracted to Iron and Nickel. There are temporary (soft) magnets and permanent (hard) magnets. Temporary magnets lose their magnetism over time as the domains revert to their original (individual) position. But permanent magnets continue to face the same direction permanently. The way to make a magnet is to have a ferromagnetic metal heated to or beyond their Curie temperature. To make it temporary, heat it (exactly) to its Curie temperature. Magnets do not only attract other things. They repel things as well. All magnets have a South and a North pole. If you try to connect the two North poles together or try to connect the two South poles together, they will repel/reject connection with one another. But if you try to connect the South pole with the other magnet’s North pole, they will connect/attract one another.

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When you think of your refrigerator magnets, you know that they will always be attracted to your refrigerator. So there must be something IN magnets and something IN refrigerator doors that draw them to each other. We can relate that to people as well. It reminds me of women who keep attracting abusive men/who are constantly attracted to abusive men. Even if these women do not know that these men are abusive, they still attract them for some reason.

When I consider my exes, I find it interesting how I was drawn to all of them because none of my two exes are very similar. And so since I was attracted to each of them, even though they are all so different, it shows me that I was changing as a person. It showed me that I was not the same type of person at the time I dated each of them. That leads me to the conclusion that WHO you are drawn to at any particular time can give you insight into WHO you were at the time you began speaking to them. And it also shows you what kind of person they were when they liked you. For example, if you liked a drug addict from 2005-2007, it shows me that you were either a drug addict or codependent person at that time. And if you dated a man who knew you were cheating on him from 2007-2009, it shows me that you were dating a man with poor self-esteem for those years. We attract certain people based on what is going on in our personal lives at the time. And I believe it was Dr. Henry Cloud who said that we attract into our lives what we are ready for. And so for me at least, an accurate appraisal of who I was at the time I began dating a person shows me what some of my unresolved issues were at the time. I noticed that when I consider all of my exes since freshmen year of college, that as God healed me of childhood issues throughout the years until this day that each subsequent ex seemed to be emotionally healthier than the last ex to mirror my emotional health level! Who I was dating at the time was a reflection of me at the time!

There are some women who only attract sex addicts, controlling men, abusive men, closeted homosexuals, philanderers, lazy men, secret pedophiles etc. And while I am not accusing these women of being the reason they are mistreated in relationships, we have to admit that the common denominator in 100% of her past relationships is her. I’m not saying that something about that woman turns normal men into abusers/addicts/cheaters/etc. But I am saying that something about her draws men who are already abusers/addicts/cheaters/etc.

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Some women may say, “Okay, well now that I am aware that my last 5 boyfriends have been abusive. I will dump the abuser I am with now, and I will begin to date loving men from here on out.” That sounds like a good plan, but according to what we know of magnets, that will be unlikely. Your refrigerator magnets can ONLY be attracted to the something that is common in all refrigerators. And some women have unresolved issues that keep them attracting the wrong partners. A great man can show interest in her and can ask her on a date, and that emotionally unhealthy woman will say, “He’s a nice guy, but I’m just not attracted to him. He’s too…NICE.” This woman’s unresolved issues REPEL what is good for her and ATTRACT what is wrong for her. Something about bad boys will make her swoon and something about good men will repulse her even though she knows and will admit that this should not be the case.

Magnets will ALWAYS be attracted to refrigerators. And just because a magnet has an epiphany one day that these refrigerators are not good for it, it does not mean the magnet can change itself or its attraction to refrigerators. Magnets can’t change themselves and neither can humans – without God’s help. Remember, there is something inherent in all magnets that draw them to refrigerators. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to unfaithful men. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to abusive men. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to men who have alcohol/drug addictions. And until these women find out what that unresolved issue of theirs is, they are helpless to change the problem and their attraction to problem men.

If you want to hinder what is drawing a magnet to something magnetic, you will first have to change the magnet. If you put liquid water on a dry sponge, the dry sponge WILL soak it up. That’s the only way things can go with wet water and dry sponges; it cannot be any other way. And magnets MUST be drawn to refrigerators. So you can know that you have a problem with attracting the wrong type of men and you can know you have a problem with being drawn to the wrong type of men, but YOU are helpless to change the situation. You can know the type of men you are supposed to be dating and marrying. You can know that you should not be repelling these good men just to accept bad men, but YOU are helpless to change the situation.

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But God.

But God can change whatever is in you that is attracting the wrong person. A woman named Liberty Savard wrote a book called, “Breaking the Power”. And this book enlightened me about what Liberty calls “unhealed hurts, unresolved issues, and unmet needs”. She talked about how many of our recurrent, troublesome life issues can basically be resolved if we ask and allow God to heal our unhealed hurts, resolve our unresolved issues, and meet our unmet needs usually sprouting from childhood.

In other words, God can remove whatever we are composed of that’s keeping us attracted to and dating the wrong people and that’s keeping us single by having us to refuse/repel the right people so that we can love freely as we should in a healthy way in a marriage. In keeping with the magnet lingo, God can “heat us BEYOND our “Curie temperature” so that we will PERMANENTLY be able to love and be loved. But this will never be possible if God does not meet the unmet need, heal the unhealed hurt, and resolve the unresolved issue.

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Remember that the unresolved issues that make you who you are also what ATTRACT the wrong people into your life in addition to you repelling the right people. So until God fixes that in you, you will always attract the wrong people. So while some of you may think that bumping into Mr. Right will fix all your issues, please know that UNTIL you allow God to fix some of your more serious intimacy, self-esteem issues, you will attract nothing BUT Mr. Wrong. Mr. Rights will only be attracted to Ms. Rights. And Ms. Wrongs will ONLY attract Mr. Wrongs not to mention they can only be attracted to Mr. Wrongs.

I can speak personally when I say that God will begin changing these “magnets” within you today if you surrender all and ask Him too. And don’t be discouraged if you don’t see changes right away. I’ve found God to work more behind the scenes than He does in front of the curtain. He begins working as soon as you ask Him to – if you’re not sabotaging by working against Him. While it has been a sometimes anxiety-provoking transformation that has taken a few years, this has been an amazing journey for me to be able to love freely and fearlessly. Please don’t let your unresolved issues let you miss out on something so worthwhile.

Lazy Lovin’: Getting In the Relationship Is Easy, But How Long Can You Keep It?

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What do you do when you’ve prayed and prayed and prayed, and God still has not stepped into your situation? You’ve prayed for a spouse, and no spouse showed up. You’ve prayed for a job, and no employers’ have called. You’ve prayed to get out of debt, and you’re yet still in debt. Is God being lazy?

No. YOU are the lazy one.

Christians have the motto, “Pray until something happens.” And many Christians believe that they should not make any moves until God does something. They believe it is the mark of the spiritually mature to be still and see the work of the Lord. And in many cases this is true. But in some cases, it is laziness for an adult Christian to sit around and do nothing and to blame the Lord for nothing taking place.

I’ve seen this same laziness in people who read horoscopes and who believe in zodiac signs. They can meet a great guy, but as soon as they find out that their signs are “incompatible”, they stop all efforts of trying to have a successful relationship with the guy. They say, “It’s not worth it! It’s not in the stars for us anyway. He’s a Cancer, and I’m a Gemini. It’ll never work!” That is relationship laziness.

Some people may even do this with birth order. I hear that birth order is the number one predictor of one’s personality. This is probably said because your family of orientation is the first relationship you’ve had with people of the opposite sex for many years. If you’ve been the middle child for 25 years, you’re going to have middle child tendencies. If you’ve been the baby of the family of 13 children for 18 years, you’re going to have much in common with other children who are the youngest in their large families. If you’ve been the eldest of five for 14 years, there will be some personality traits that you will share with most other oldest children. And if you’ve been the only child of your parents for 20 years, that will shape a lot about you too. And these traits will likely follow you throughout your life since you’ve been trained with them in a controlled environment for at least 18 years. But is that an excuse to never date a great woman you met who’s a middle child because a book said that you as an only child are very incompatible with middle children? That is laziness not to try!

Many Christians do this. Especially Christians who have fear of failure, fear of intimacy, and fear of commitment. When a person has a fear of being hurt, they can find creative ways to avoid being hurt. And when a Christian has a fear of being hurt, they find seemingly “Christian” ways to avoid being hurt.

I’ll speak from a personal experience. My little sister bought a book called “Marriability”. And this book was written by a married couple who wrote about things that keep us single without our knowing. And one blessed chapter was about Christians. It talked of how many Christian women who have fear of being hurt will sometimes lie to themselves and say something to the effect of, “I’m not going to be actively looking for a spouse. I’ll actually just sit here in my house/apartment until God sends somebody my way. If GOD wants me married, there is nothing that I can do to stop that from happening. It won’t matter if I’m sloppy-looking, dressed in rags, have poor hygiene, and am as mean as a rattlesnake. Can’t me or nobody else prevent the plan of God for my love life!”

How delusional! Not even God will override the desires and will of a man for what he desires in a woman. If men want women who care about that looks, you need to remember that if you want a spouse. I think some people who fear the risk of hurt that comes with dating are the same people who say, “I’ll just sit here until God sends my prince(ss) to me. Why go out and date when I can get hurt? I’ll just stay safe in my comfort zone where no one can hurt me. The person God sends me will never hurt me. And the relationship with them will be effortless.” That is not true. Even someone that God sends your way can hurt you by mistake because they are imperfect. Even in a relationship that God send you, you will still have to put in a lot of work too. Even if you and the spouse are doing everything to make the relationship successful, please understand and know that many other people and spiritual enemies will fight your relationship. So you have to be strong with regards to the two of you and then also you have to be strong with regards to attacks that will come from the others.

So if you’re too lazy to get out and make yourself available and eligible for a relationship, what makes you think that you will have the energy to keep a relationship going? Haters will fight it. Exes will fight. Skeptical church members, friends, and families will fight it. And if you’re a Christian, Satan and his arsenal of demons will sure enough fight it! So since you know this, you know you will have to give it your all every step of the way.

Relationships are hard work. They are not easy. I’ve never heard anyone say either in real life or in the movies that their relationship has been effortless. Even if you and the person are compatible as a Taurus and a Cancer. Even if you and the person are compatible in your birth order – he’s the eldest brother of all sisters and you’re the baby girl of all brothers. Even if you both are preacher’s kids from the same denomination. Even if you two have the same intelligence level, same good looks, same socioeconomic status, and the same friends. Even with the foundation being pretty good, a relationship will be hard work at best.

We have to get the root of relationship laziness. I know someone who’s been trying to help a friend get a job. But the unemployed friend is very lazy. And so even if the working friend helps the other friend get a job, the lazy friend will not keep the job for long because the friend does not have the work ethic for keeping a job for a long time. He lost the last job because he was lazy, and until he gets to the root of his work laziness, he will stay being fired. So just as he needs to find out WHY he can’t keep a job, we constantly single people need to find out WHY we keep staying single even when we are able-bodied, attractive adults.

Relationships take work. Marriages take work. And I feel that Satan especially fights Christian marriages because he knows that every time a Christian marriage fails, it reflects poorly on Christianity as a whole. So when you get married as a believer, you better get ready with the skills to make it last in spite of Satan’s relentless attacks. And because relationships take a lot of work – two imperfect, flawed, sinful people trying to come together for a lifetime – you need to stop being lazy. You cannot do a job successfully with laziness. You can only do a hard job successfully with consistently hard work.

Let me tell you what I would do. I would meet a great guy. I would like him for a while. And then the minute I ran into an “obstacle”, I would stop trying to work at it and I would let it go. And that lack of stick-to-it-ness is what caused the relationships to fail. It wasn’t the obstacle – perceived or actual – it was my laziness. If the guy and I didn’t agree on everything, I would say to self, “See! That’s a sign right there! I shouldn’t be dating this guy!” If he liked a singer I didn’t like, or a sport I didn’t like, or a preacher I didn’t like, I took that to mean that God didn’t send him to me. I took that as a red flag for me to give up. I think I’m very fortunate in that God has sent MANY great guys my way. No alcoholics, no addicts, no abusers, no cheaters, no bums, but good quality men. And yet even though we both were eligible bachelor and bachelorette, I still found some way not to make it work with them. I had the materials to make a successful relationship; I just did not have the relationship work ethic.

That’s one thing I realized about myself. I’ve never fought for anything all my life. If a coworker or employer or client annoyed me too much, I would quit the job. If a club I joined had lost its excitement, I’d drop out of it. If a goal I made for myself became too difficult, I would either make the goal too easy or just quit the goal altogether. If I was given a prophecy and I didn’t feel like I believed in it one day, I’d just stop working to get what God promised me. If I didn’t like the pastor of my church or something he said, I’d leave the church. If a friend or family member made me mad, I would cut them off. If a Twitter follower or a Facebook friend rudely disagreed with something I wrote, I would delete or block them. I was L A Z Y! And needless to say, I had little to show for myself. I could have had so many more friends, could have been further along in the ministry, could have been closer to my family members, could have led many loved ones to the Lord, could have had a graduate degree, could have been married by now, etc. But because of my laziness, I would give up on things.

Everything you want is just outside of your comfort zone. The love life you want is just outside of your fear of intimacy. The career you want is just outside of your work ethic and your educational comfort zone. The health you want is just outside of your exercise and eating comfort zone. You will never attain anything of great worth in this life within your comfort zone. The only thing you will attain is comfort and regrets. Regrets that you didn’t work harder at that marriage. That you didn’t try to get the Master’s. That you didn’t persevere a little more with your pastor. That you weren’t more patient with that family member.
Comfort zone is the breeding ground for regrets.

Who told you that you should give up on something because it got hard? Did Moses give up on heading to the promised land because the way got hard? Did Abraham give up on having a son with Sarah because it looked impossible? Did David give up on honoring King Saul because Saul made it hard on him? Did Jesus give up on the Cross because it was difficult? Did Paul give up preaching the gospel because it got hard? No one has attained anything of great value in the bible by giving up when it got hard. Things getting hard are NO excuse to stop trying. Stop being lazy. Keep working at the thing until you achieve the thing. It’ll never get any easier. It’ll only get harder with time. NOW is the time. Now is easier than then. For example, it’s easier to go to graduate school right after undergraduate. It’s easier to work out the day after you worked out rather than waiting a week to work out again. Keep going even if it was hard the first time because it only gets harder when you wait.

What NOT To Do When He Loves You Not

When he doesn't like you naturally, do you make him think he likes you mentally?

I decided to write this note when another friend of mine had purchased yet ANOTHER book on “how to get a man”. Selah! This one was called “Why Men Love B**ches”. This friend of mine was interested in a young man that she knows was not nearly as interested in her. So she tried to get tips on how to get and keep his attention. So this is a note to all the women (and I guess men too) who are looking for love or who have already found it, and who are doing anything other than simply being genuine in order to keep it going. Men can read this too because sometimes they are guilty of love manipulation or “man, I pull a sham/scam”!

How did you get your man? Through manipulation? Or was he just The One and you found each other at the right time?

The reason I ask this is because I know so many females who don’t wait until a decent guy comes along. They just pick the cool, jerk of a guy, and use all of these shams and scams to get him to commit. Or at least to stay as long as possible.

But, ladies, that is manipulation! ManIPullaSham. Man, I Pull A Sham/Scam!

My college buddies and I used to read a lot of Cosmopolitan and Redbook magazine back when we were in college. We loved to read the articles that taught us how to snag and keep a man. I also loved to spend a lot of time on iVillage, which is like Cosmopolitan online. We used it because if we pulled a man, I wanted to make him fall more in love with us so that he wouldn’t leave. And the times we couldn’t get the man we wanted, we would manipulate matters to get his attention. By manipulation, I mean when you see that someone’s free will has chosen not to be with you or stay with you, you employ underhanded strategies and techniques to change his free will.

The truth is that if a dude likes you, he will let you know sooner or later (and usually sooner than later). So why should we manipulate or pull a sham of a scam to hurry it if it will happen between us and the dudes that like us? Now there are some instances when a man that really likes you may not approach you.

1. If he’s very shy and fearful of rejection. Love phobia is very common.

2. If he’s dating someone else at the time, and he is a good, faithful dude who does not want to hurt her feelings by dumping her just to date someone else.

3. If he’s a good guy, who does not want to try to break up your relationship with another guy out of respect for the other young man.

4. Sometimes (and this is for the guy who is serious about you), a guy will scope you out for a few weeks to see if you are long-term/marriage material.

For #1, you can sometimes tell when a guy is shy. I know because I used to be VERY shy myself and don’t like rejection at all. For along time, I was a love-phobe. If I thought there was any chance I’d get rejected, I’d totally ignore the guy even if I thought I’d really like getting to know him. So if you know that the guy is shy, then you can let him know he has a good chance if he tries. But if you have to keep giving him hints, he’s probably not interested. So don’t manipulate.

For #2, if he’s dating someone else at the time, respect the other young lady. I’m sure he’s thinking of a plan to end his current relationship to look into starting one with you. Besides, who would want a guy who would cheat anyway? He’d see that you tolerate cheating, and he might do it to you too later.

For #3, if you’re dating someone else, you need to leave that person before you look at new dude out of respect for your current. Then the new dude will see the open door of opportunity for him to try. And he’d also respect and trust you more for being a trustworthy and faithful girlfriend (wifey material). So just know that some dudes will not try to date you if you’re already taken or seem to be taken.

For #4, be on your best behavior, and be you. I had a guy scope me out to see if he would like me. He even went so far as to ask people about me to see if I was his type and to see if he had a good chance with me. Fortunately, I had a good reputation, so he got good reports. It was funny, because when I asked him what people said about me, he said, “I was told that you did not play. I heard that whoever dated you better get his mind right because you don’t tolerate the foolishness.” (He got that right!) Now if I had been acting a fool in public, and had the people that he asked about me told him that, he would have never let me know he was interested, and I’ve have kept on sabotaging myself as a single by acting like a person that men don’t want to date.

But let’s be clear. I also believe that we should always be ourselves. For example, if you like a man who’s in UPC or an apostolic church, you shouldn’t start wearing long skirts because his church equates long dresses to holiness. And you shouldn’t start dressing in black and chains to get a gothic or emo person’s attention when you know you only have three black outfits and all else is pastel and polo style! You shouldn’t act hard to get a thuggish guy’s attention because he’ll soon find out you’re fake and soft.

Now as far as manipulation is concerned, there are many ways to do this. I’ll use some examples that I have known people to use:

Examples:

Physical attraction manipulation – If you were going for the attention of a shallow guy, you might wear hair extensions, colored contacts, fake nails, false lashes, and a stuffed bra. You’ll buy freak ‘um dresses to show off your shape.

Sexual manipulation – I hear some people use animal pheromones to attract the opposite sex! Tiger urine might catch him, but when you’re not wearing it, he or she will probably quickly lose interest. When you see the guy or girl losing interest, you might try to bed them and try any kinky thing or kama sutra position to regain their attention.

Emotional manipulation – “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me! After all I’ve done for you! *cry* I paid for your car to get fixed. I gave you my virginity! I let you meet my parents! *sob* Every man I’ve ever dated has played me. I guess you’re just like all the rest. I thought you were a good guy. Guess I was wrong about you.”

Threat manipulation – You also might threaten the guy or girl if they try to leave you. “I’ll sleep with your best friend if you leave! I know all your secrets. I’ll tell everyone! I won’t let you see our daughter or son anymore if you leave me for her! I want my car and all those clothes I bought you back! I think I might be pregnant with your baby.”

Role-reversal/mind game manipulation – If you know he’s distant, you’ll mimic his behavior to play mind games to make him call you. You’ll go out if he goes out even if you don’t want to, just to keep his mind wondering where you are. You’ll flirt with his friends to keep him at least a little jealous and worried about one of them dating you even though he doesn’t like you enough to date you. You’ll lie about things to make him insecure, “All the other women are just using you for your money. I’m the only women who loves you for who you are.”

Ego manipulation – You pretend that he is a big, strong man who is your knight-in-shining armor so that his ego will be stroked and so that he’ll stay around for more ego stroking. Flattery. “You’re the best (boyfriend) I’ve ever had!”

Friend and family manipulation – You try to get in his mom and sister’s good graces so that they can argue on your behalf when he dumps you or considers dumping you.

But do you really want a guy that you’ll have to keep pulling tricks out of your hat to keep? You live in constant fear that he will leave you. Because your problem and solution lies in him, he somewhat controls your emotions and thoughts and actions because all you think about is if or when he is going to leave you and how to keep him with you. You’ll spend so much time manipulating, that you’ll have little time to enjoy and build the relationship.

Now which of the following scenarios makes more sense?

1. Find a guy who has little to no interest in you. Read up on magazine and internet articles and books to find out how to get his interest. Once you get even a bit of his interest, read even more books and articles and ask your friends for ways to make him be with you for at least a while longer. When you get that far, read yet more books and articles and advice columns to get him not leave you yet.

OR

2. Handle your own business. Work on being the best you that you can be, and wait until a guy approaches you that actually likes you for your true and best you.

What is the purpose of prolonging the inevitable? If this guy or girl was never meant for you, then you’re wasting your life and the time you could be spending with someone better suited for and appreciative of the real you.

Here’s what I used to do when I was a teenager in college. I have no shame being transparent with the mistakes and choices that I made because they are not me anymore. Well, I had a boyfriend that I really liked. When I thought he was thinking of leaving me (and it was all in my mind), I would talk to my friends who didn’t even have a man and ask them what I should do. I’d buy “Freak ‘Um Dresses” to best compliment my shape, I’d go to a club where I know he’d be, and I’d try my best to make him notice. I’d flirt with his friends to make him jealous. Then his friends would comment to him how great I looked that night. Of course, men are visual beings, so he always let me know he liked what he saw. My freshman year of college, I wanted to eliminate most of the competition with the other freshmen, so I got long extensions, I got some green contact lenses, and I wore make up a lot.

I’m not saying that light colored eyes makes everyone look more attractive. I’m just saying what I used to do. And I’m also not saying that women can’t improve their looks; wearing eyeliner doesn’t make you a phony! But I’ve heard of women who go to the extreme with their outer appearance even with just make-up. I heard of a female MINISTER who admitted to sleeping in her make-up so that her husband won’t wake up to her raggedy face! Some women will go the extreme (Los Angeles ladies) and will get cheek implants, breast implants, butt implants, lip injections, rhinoplasty, facelift, liposuction, Botox, so forth and so on. There are some Indian and Black women who bleach their skin because fairer or lighter skin is more attractive to some men. (Michael Jackson thought he’d look better, but look what happened to him!)

Now what kind of men do you suppose that these women attract? They are probably shallow, superficial men who will leave them as soon as they gain five pounds or start to sag. I want a man who will be with me if (God forbid) I get terribly burned in a fire or become a paraplegic. Sickness and in health, nah mean?

I always believed that my hubby would find me when I was checking the mailbox with my sleeping clothes on (in my family, we don’t wear pajamas. We wear terry cloth or yoga pants and raggedy t-shirts that we call sleeping clothes lol). I’d have on my glasses (remember when Marilyn Monroe sang that song, “Men Don’t Make Passes at Girls that Wear Glasses”?). And I’d have on absolutely no make-up and my hair would be a hot mess. Then I’d know he’d be there for the long haul and for the REAL me. And if I gained a lot of unattractive weight, he’d still be there to say, “You’re beautiful.” When I’m in the delivery room in labor with sweat pouring down my face and I’m swollen and screaming, he’ll say, “You’re beautiful.” And when I’m 80 years old, saggy and wrinkled, smelly, in a Hover Round, suffering from Alzheimer’s, and unable to give him sex, he’ll still say, “You’re beautiful.”

Manipulation may work for a year, but sooner or later you’ll get tired of all that hard work, and you’ll just want a relationship that’s smooth. I know every worthwhile relationship and marriage has its struggles and trials, but I sure don’t want that mess before the relationship begins. I have never let my boyfriends see me in my glasses, for fear of looking geeky. I never leave the house without my hair looking decent. And maybe that’s part of being a woman with good self-respect making sure that she’s presentable in public. But at the same time, you have to accept yourself as you are and sell that.

There’s a book called Marriable that is written by a married couple. In one chapter, they talk about one’s “marriability factor”. Everyone has an idea of what they’re selling. For example, which of the following has a better chance at getting a good husband?

1. Latasha, who has a Master’s Degree in Nuclear Engineering. She’s in shape. She has clear skin. She has a nice car and her own home. She has hobbies and talents. She has a good reputation, she has good hygiene, and has resolved most of her emotional issues. She also has good tastes in clothes.

2. Janet, who is a high school dropout. She’s known around town for being promiscuous and a cheater. She has bad acne, she rides a bike, and she lives with her parents. She’s 50 pounds overweight, she smells, and all her exes say she’s a basketcase and possessive. She wears either disgustingly tight or sloppily loose clothing.

Now if Janet and Latasha are looking to marry a man who has much to offer, he’d probably pick Latasha because she has more to offer which increases her marriability factor. It works the same way in high school. The quarterback dates the head cheerleader and not the shy recluse of a bookworm who cares less about her looks.

No, dude’s not shallow. He just knows that he’s getting more for his buck with the first girl. So I do believe women should work on their marriability instead of just saying, “a truly good guy will like me for me.” Even the most devout of Christian men would prefer an attractive, healthy woman to a rough-looking, sloppy woman. You need to be the BEST you. Be the best Janet, and he might go for you. You don’t have to be well-educated, but you should finish what you started in high school. You don’t have to starve yourself, but you shouldn’t remain obese to the point that you’re inactive and unhealthy. It’s not hard to have good hygeine. Soap, shampoo, deo, and toothpaste are the basics. I bet Janet wouldn’t settle for a man who lived with his grandparents and who didn’t have a car. So she can’t expect much of a chance from a man who does have his own place and his own ride.

So I think women should be the best them they can be. If God gave you brown eyes, dress them up if you please with make-up every once in a while, but think twice about wearing fake colored-lenses just because a certain dude might prefer light-colored eyes. Because when you get sick of being hazel or blue, he might get sick of you if he’s shallow enough. If you’re big-boned, get healthy, but don’t starve yourself to be Nicole Richie. Because if that weight comes back on, you want to make sure the relationship is still on. If you’re feisty and assertive, don’t be overly aggressive and rude, but you don’t have to be a milquetoast. Because when he gets around your family and friends, he’ll know you to be a fiesty fake. Be your best you, that way when the right guy comes along, you won’t have to change much or do much more or do nothing at all to keep him interested in YOU.

But if you want the wrong guy or a guy you will have to manipulate, here’s what you can continue to do for the duration of the relationship:

1. Stock up on a lot of MAC because you’re expecting to spend a lot of time with him with a flawless face.

2. Get a credit card to buy a whole lot of sexy clothes to keep him interested.

3. Save up a lot of money for weave and fake nails and padded bras to keep your sexy up.

4. Stock up on Redbook and Cosmopolitan for info on how to keep your man

5. Do a lot for him so that you can give him a guilt trip when he tells you it’s not working out.

6. Buy a kama sutra manual to learn awkward positions to keep him impressed

7. Flirt with all his friends to make him jealous

8. Prepare to compromise some of your beliefs and convictions to keep him happy

9. Spend many a sleepless night wondering if you’re wasting your time on this 90-10 relationship (he does 10 of the work keeping the relationship in existence, and you do 90%)

10. Spend the entire relationship waiting for the inevitable time when all your tricks run out and he gets bored with the girl that you are and that he never did like and leaves for someone he does.

“There is no disguise that can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.” – La Rochefoucauld

The Ugly Truth About What Men REALLY Think About Us Women

You'd be surprised of what men really think of some of us women!

This is one of the few posts that I will write on romantic relationships, but I’m sure the ladies will really be helped by this one. It might be offensive when you find out how men really think about things concerning us, but I think it’s important to know.

I read this book written by three men who tell women what men really think about some of the things we do. This book was so informative and enlightening to me! Keep in mind that this is not what I think. This is all information that I got from two books and one research study. Here are some of the more important points they mentioned.

Men are very fearful of rejection. This may cause them not to approach you even when they are really interested. If they feel that the risk of happiness is worth the risk of rejection, they may go for it. But usually, then will need some help on the woman’s end. She’ll have to smile at him. Give him a little eye contact. Have open body language. Then he will feel more comfortable approaching her. But if he feels even the slightest hint of disinterest on her behalf, he will balk. She may wonder, “What happened? I thought he liked me?” You may have given out a signal that you were not interested in him, so he decided to leave before he got his feelings hurt.

Men are admirable because they face a lot of rejection. Some men probably get turned down five times a day, and yet they keep going in order to find a girlfriend. Some women are so rude to men because they don’t know how much nerve it takes for the men to ask for her number or ask her out. Some men finally build up the nerve to approach the girl, and then she totally disses him by ignoring him or giving him a mean mug. Ladies, let’s play nice! If you’re not interested, treat him like you would like to be treated if you had approached an attractive man that you liked who was not interested in you. Every human deserves respect.

Men have a built-in “test” for women. They will sometimes try the girls they are interested in to see if they give them sex too soon. If the girl gives it up on the first night, they will immediately file her into the “party girl” folder. But if she doesn’t have sex with him, she’s still in the running to be their next girlfriend. The line women sometimes use, “I don’t always have sex on the first night,” doesn’t work for men. Even if it is true, men don’t believe it. Some men even have to hold in a chuckle because they expect women to say it right after they have sex on the first night. They know when that phrase is coming, so they wait on it, and sure enough comes, “I hope you don’t think I’m promiscuous. I don’t usually do this.” Men don’t believe that line even when it’s 100% true. You could be a virgin, and still most of them would not believe that line.

Men will try to preserve your “girlfriend potential” if they really like you and could see a long-term relationship with you. While many men are just looking for a good night, they always keep their radar on for the wifey-type chick. They may have sex with a different woman each night, but they’ll usually know a good one when they see her. If they are interested in her as a girlfriend, they will not even have sex with her (too soon) because they know that if she gives it up too soon, they won’t like her that much anymore. They figure, “I already got the prize, so why in the world should I pretend to care about her hobbies, dislikes, and career?” So if a guy who is claiming to like you pressures you for sex, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential. He may string you along to keep having sex with you, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend. Ouch!

This is one of the more painful ones I read, but it said that most men are repulsed after having sex with a woman that they only wanted sex with. The book actually used the word repulsed. They said that even while many men are so exhausted after doing the deed, their physical exhaustion (which they might use as an excuse not to cuddle or talk after sex) may not exceed their mental disgust after having sex with a woman they never really liked in the first place. The book said that this is the reason why some men will leave right after sex with a woman. They have this overwhelming urge to get away from her which overpowers their strong desire to sleep.

Men don’t trust women who have sex too soon. Some men don’t trust women who have sex before marriage. They figure, “If she had sex with me after only two weeks, then I KNOW she had sex with her twelve exes after only two weeks too.” Men can be insecure sometimes, so they’ll always wonder how they measure up to your past loves. So, for example, if you don’t have sex with him until after five years, he’ll feel in his heart and head that you must have treated all exes similarly. And if you’ve only had a few boyfriends, he’ll feel more comfortable with that obviously.

Men are visual beings, so they want an attractive girlfriend. I realize this a lot when I go to different churches or have visiting pastors come to my church home. Even the “holiest” of men have the most beautiful wives. Their hair, nails, and make-up are always done well. They dress really nice. Some women think it’s shallow of men to be like this, but they were made visual beings by God. They can appreciate a beautiful woman or a woman who puts effort into her looks. They will, of course, pick the pretty girl who’s in shape over the homely girl who is not in shape all other things (personality, character, intelligence) being equal. Duh! So while every woman is not going to be a Halle Berry with enough money to have the best clothes and beautician, most women can try their best and men will notice and appreciate that.

Men do judge women negatively by the way we act and look. If you are a sloppy drunk, they will not pursue you because they find you embarrassing. The book said that men do not feel like watching you every minute at a party in hopes of preventing you from embarrassing them in front of their friends. Who wants the drunk for a girlfriend, fiancée, wife, or mother of their children? They may want to party with you and have sex with you because you’re fun, but it ends there. There is a double standard at play here, but men are conservative when it comes to their girlfriends. If the dude you are interested in is a nasty guy like Ice T is with his wife Coco, he may want you to show off all your assets and treat you like a whore in public. But if you want a respectable guy, he will, of course, want a respectable girl.

Also, if you have your breasts or legs out, they will forever and always see you as a party girl. If you get saved or something and they can tell the change in you, they can see you differently perhaps. But if you are still a party girl who just covers up more now, they’ll still see you that way. Sure, it’s not always fair to be judged by your appearance – especially something like clothes that will change every day – but it happens just like at a job interview. You could have graduated from Yale with honors, but if you are wearing a mini-skirt and a halter top, they will not hire you. It’s not that you’re not qualified; it’s just that they believe that it’s wise to judge a tree by its fruit. If you claim to be an intelligent and hard worker but didn’t think enough of them to dress appropriately for the interview, they will not believe you are that intelligent and hard worker you claim to be even if it’s on your resume. If you are claiming to be a “wifey” tree and yet all you produce are “party girl” fruit, they will use their brains and say that you are not a wifey tree, but are instead a party girl tree.

When men see a girl with her body exposed, they don’t see us as women. They see us as objects unless they know you from before they saw you dressed with less clothes. There was a study done where they had the little electrodes taped onto men’s heads. The study showed that the part of men’s brains that was activated when seeing a girl in a bikini was the same part of their brain that they used when using tools. That part of the brain works like, “I use. I pull. I push.” This is not what the men reported but based on their brain activity so you know it’s not biased on what the men thought they should say so as not to look like jerks or pervs. That part of the brain is also the same part where men think of homeless people and drug addicts. They see scantily-clad women, homeless people, and drug addicts as objects with no feelings. But when it came to women who were covered up, their brain saw the women as people with feelings. SHOCKING!

Men know up front whether they are attracted to you or not. Women are sometimes the other way; we may not be attracted initially, but later on, we can think, “I know he’s just a friend, but he could have potential to be more…” Men know in the first three seconds or less whether they would ever be romantically or physically attracted to you. There’s no use in trying to manipulate or change that by buying gifts, being flirty, etc. because it’ll never happen for you and him. There’s a built-in chemical effect that goes on between a man and a woman when they are attracted to each other, and you can’t affect that chemistry by tricks and gimmicks. It’s biological, so you can’t fool with it. It’s just the way it is.

I read in the other book that birth control pills can affect a woman’s biological chemistry. It said that birth control pills can have a negative affect on a woman’s chemistry because she will start to pick the wrong men based on the unnatural attraction. It said women on birth control usually pick a guy with similar biological chemistry as her so that relationship will rarely work. After they get married and she stops the birth control for them to have children, she realizes that their biological chemistry did not mix and that she was fooled by the birth control pill. When it comes to biological chemistry, opposites do attract. So if you are with a guy now, and you are on birth control pills, the book suggested that you get off of them for awhile to see if you really like this person and if he really likes you.

Of course, there are the exceptions to the rules. But those could be about 1 in about 200,000,000. You don’t want to make a lottery out of your romantic chances, so you should just take the advice from these three very honest men. In your case, it’ll probably be how the book said it will be unless a miracle occurs. Hope this helps, ladies!

Many Christians are against premarital sex for religious reasons, but amazingly, the secular material here is in support of that without even using the bible!