Masks Off: Disliked for Who You Are or Loved for Who You Are Not?

“Love takes off masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” – James Baldwin

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Sadly, I believe that very few of us ever reach true intimacy. I believe most of us have enjoyed the temporary joys of dating and making out and other conventions of relationships. But so few of us will ever reach true intimacy. And the reason is simple. God has given each of us memories and emotions. And when those memories are painful and those emotions are hurt by people that we love, we make a decision – consciously or subconsciously – to never let anyone hurt us like that again. Unfortunately for us, making that decision does absolutely nothing to our stronger desire to connect with others.

After watching different movies about life in the penitentiary, I discovered that a man would rather be in general population where he is in danger of being shanked (stabbed) or violently sodomized against his will than to be locked up in solitary confinement. It is the worst punishment for even the most hardened criminal to be locked away from others – even though those others may have and may continue to hurt them. This goes to show that all humans were made for connection with other human beings despite how hurt they’ve been in times past.

So how do we cope with that cognitive dissonance? How do we love WITHOUT risking hurt? This post does not attempt to answer that question. The previous paragraph just goes to show that humans want connection in spite of pain. Yet despite our desperate need and desire to connect, why come so few of us achieve it?

I believe the reason we cannot achieve true intimacy is because our past hurts “force” us to put on masks. They don’t actually force us, but they terrify us enough to put them on because we fear what could happen if we do not don our masks. Our memories remind us how painful it was the last time we loved as we truly were. Maybe as a child, you reached out to Mommy for a hug and she pushed you away. Maybe you waited hours for Daddy to come home to show him a card you made just for him, only for him to wave you away and lock himself in his room without any greeting or acknowledgement. These simple examples represent profound experiences that shape us. They make us question ourselves as to why our parents don’t like or appreciate us as we are. So we try to alter our real, “unlovable” selves so as to prevent being rejected again for who we really are. We’d rather be loved for we are not than to face the pain of being rejected for who we are.

One thing about masks is that we continue to wear them because they work. If they didn’t work in getting us what we wanted, we would no longer wear them. So masks are effective in a sense. Another thing about masks is that they can be changed at any time – even several times in an hour. So if you meet four different people in an hour, you could act four different ways to make all of them pleased with them. If you felt your Mommy liked you smarter, skinnier, neater, and cuter, you worked on that mask and presented it to her. You saw it made her smile at, compliment, and hug you. If you felt that your Daddy liked you more accomplished, you worked on that mask and presented to your Dad a new you that was a star quarterback, a great tennis player, or a straight A student. And that made Daddy show you off and give you attention. While it is sad that some parents do not love their children unconditionally, it is a reality that must be accepted. And once you accept that you had demanding, perfectionistic parents, you have another choice to make.

You can choose to be disliked for who you are or loved for who you’re not.

And if you make the right decision, you will remove those masks and say, “HERE I AM! LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME, BUT I WILL NOT HIDE ANYMORE!”

Now let me explain some things. I am not suggesting that you don’t change anything negative about yourself and command others to love you as you are if who you are is abusive, offensive, and criminal. Don’t molest children, beat up people on the street, and call people outside of their names and then say, “Love me for who I am because I refuse to hide under my mask anymore!” By no means! But what I am saying is that you have to understand that if you are not intentionally hurting anyone, you do not have to change to make people except you.

Another disclaimer is that you also have to understand that people have expectations of adults. A newborn baby is expected to do absolutely nothing but eat, sleep, and poop. No one is disappointed in them for not knowing the alphabet. No one is shaking their head in shame because they are not walking. No one is scolding them for not changing their own diaper. So you must know that when you are an adult – especially a male – people expect you to work a job. Also, as an adult, people expect you to obey laws. Don’t be a lazy slob using welfare when you are able to work and then say, “Take me as I am!I refuse to work, and I will continue to rob and steal!” (If this is your attitude about not wearing a mask, I personally don’t expect anyone to like you.) But if you are a person who does not hurt others deliberately, who works a job to pay bills and whatnot, and who does not intentionally break laws or biblical commands, then you should not have to put on a mask to make people like you. Just doing those things makes you enough.

So back to what I was saying about intimacy. One cannot be intimate with a mask. You cannot feel someone’s face who is wearing a mask. You cannot know someone who is constantly lying to you. You cannot be intimate with someone who refuses to get close to you. That is because INTIMACY IS THE REMOVAL OF DISTANCE.

Think of intercourse. Intercourse is considered intimate because it is the removal of space between two physical bodies. In fact, not only is space removed outside of the body, but with the woman, the space inside is also removed. There is no distance between two people engaging in intercourse. The same goes for tongue kissing. There is no space left there. So it is intimate.

Well, that was speaking physically. Now let’s think emotionally. When you are truly intimate with someone, you remove all distance between their emotions for you and your emotions for them. They know how you feel about them, and you know how they feel about you. But if you hide your true feelings behind a mask, they do not truly know your emotions. So there is still distance. So there is no true intimacy.

Again, the reason we do not tell them our true feelings is because we fear they will stop loving us. But think of children and their parents. Younger children will tell their parent that their breath stinks because kids are brutally honest. But it doesn’t mean that they will stop loving the parent. We have to stop equating truth with abandonment. And if you do, just understand that those you were honest with who abandoned you were simply unwilling to be close to you. Doubtless, they’ve heard worse things from others that they continued to be in relationship with because they WANTED to be in relationship with them. But don’t let their rejection of you make you redefine the lovability of you. Just take their rejection as redirection to someone who WANTS relationship and intimacy with you.

We want so badly to be loved for who we are, but we learn to hate who we really are because who we really are – flawed – resulted in someone rejecting us. So we hate ourselves so much so that we forget who we are and begin to truly think this mask is the real us. But we must do the thing we think we cannot do. We must remove these masks and dare to be loved for who we truly are. The people who God has for us, will love us without them.

However, if you so decide that life with a mask is preferable to being loved as you are, carry on as you were. But just know that you are not in a real relationship. You are in a dance, an arrangement between a person and a mask.

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Unresolved Issues: Magnets Attracting What’s Wrong and Repelling What’s Right

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Ever wonder why you’re attracted to certain people and why certain people tend to be attracted to you? Also, have you ever wondered why some people are “repulsive” to you and why you also seem to be repelled by certain people? This doesn’t just have to apply to romantic partners, but it can also apply to friendships and even church membership. Have you ever stopped to think how you became drawn to or turned off to one person or group? While having one of my usual, unusual talks with God, the topic of MAGNETISM came up as an analogy to understand relationships. And this is what I discovered.

How we get into different types of relationships is kind of like how a refrigerator magnet is drawn to a refrigerator. The ONLY thing that draws them together is the Law of Magnetism. And what draws you to one individual over another individual can be considered a different kind of magnetism. I did a little research about how magnets are made. So as not to bore you with all the details, here is a very brief summary.

Magnets are made of a group of metals known as ferromagnetic metals. These are metals such as nickel, iron, cobalt, and gadolinium. Material contains several small magnetic fields known as “domains”. Most of these domains are independent of each other and so they face different directions. But when a strong magnetic field is nearby, it can be strong enough to cause all those domains to turn and face in the same direction so that they can align and make a larger, stronger magnetic field. All magnets are attracted to Iron and Nickel. There are temporary (soft) magnets and permanent (hard) magnets. Temporary magnets lose their magnetism over time as the domains revert to their original (individual) position. But permanent magnets continue to face the same direction permanently. The way to make a magnet is to have a ferromagnetic metal heated to or beyond their Curie temperature. To make it temporary, heat it (exactly) to its Curie temperature. Magnets do not only attract other things. They repel things as well. All magnets have a South and a North pole. If you try to connect the two North poles together or try to connect the two South poles together, they will repel/reject connection with one another. But if you try to connect the South pole with the other magnet’s North pole, they will connect/attract one another.

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When you think of your refrigerator magnets, you know that they will always be attracted to your refrigerator. So there must be something IN magnets and something IN refrigerator doors that draw them to each other. We can relate that to people as well. It reminds me of women who keep attracting abusive men/who are constantly attracted to abusive men. Even if these women do not know that these men are abusive, they still attract them for some reason.

When I consider my exes, I find it interesting how I was drawn to all of them because none of my two exes are very similar. And so since I was attracted to each of them, even though they are all so different, it shows me that I was changing as a person. It showed me that I was not the same type of person at the time I dated each of them. That leads me to the conclusion that WHO you are drawn to at any particular time can give you insight into WHO you were at the time you began speaking to them. And it also shows you what kind of person they were when they liked you. For example, if you liked a drug addict from 2005-2007, it shows me that you were either a drug addict or codependent person at that time. And if you dated a man who knew you were cheating on him from 2007-2009, it shows me that you were dating a man with poor self-esteem for those years. We attract certain people based on what is going on in our personal lives at the time. And I believe it was Dr. Henry Cloud who said that we attract into our lives what we are ready for. And so for me at least, an accurate appraisal of who I was at the time I began dating a person shows me what some of my unresolved issues were at the time. I noticed that when I consider all of my exes since freshmen year of college, that as God healed me of childhood issues throughout the years until this day that each subsequent ex seemed to be emotionally healthier than the last ex to mirror my emotional health level! Who I was dating at the time was a reflection of me at the time!

There are some women who only attract sex addicts, controlling men, abusive men, closeted homosexuals, philanderers, lazy men, secret pedophiles etc. And while I am not accusing these women of being the reason they are mistreated in relationships, we have to admit that the common denominator in 100% of her past relationships is her. I’m not saying that something about that woman turns normal men into abusers/addicts/cheaters/etc. But I am saying that something about her draws men who are already abusers/addicts/cheaters/etc.

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Some women may say, “Okay, well now that I am aware that my last 5 boyfriends have been abusive. I will dump the abuser I am with now, and I will begin to date loving men from here on out.” That sounds like a good plan, but according to what we know of magnets, that will be unlikely. Your refrigerator magnets can ONLY be attracted to the something that is common in all refrigerators. And some women have unresolved issues that keep them attracting the wrong partners. A great man can show interest in her and can ask her on a date, and that emotionally unhealthy woman will say, “He’s a nice guy, but I’m just not attracted to him. He’s too…NICE.” This woman’s unresolved issues REPEL what is good for her and ATTRACT what is wrong for her. Something about bad boys will make her swoon and something about good men will repulse her even though she knows and will admit that this should not be the case.

Magnets will ALWAYS be attracted to refrigerators. And just because a magnet has an epiphany one day that these refrigerators are not good for it, it does not mean the magnet can change itself or its attraction to refrigerators. Magnets can’t change themselves and neither can humans – without God’s help. Remember, there is something inherent in all magnets that draw them to refrigerators. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to unfaithful men. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to abusive men. There is something inherent in all women who are constantly drawn to men who have alcohol/drug addictions. And until these women find out what that unresolved issue of theirs is, they are helpless to change the problem and their attraction to problem men.

If you want to hinder what is drawing a magnet to something magnetic, you will first have to change the magnet. If you put liquid water on a dry sponge, the dry sponge WILL soak it up. That’s the only way things can go with wet water and dry sponges; it cannot be any other way. And magnets MUST be drawn to refrigerators. So you can know that you have a problem with attracting the wrong type of men and you can know you have a problem with being drawn to the wrong type of men, but YOU are helpless to change the situation. You can know the type of men you are supposed to be dating and marrying. You can know that you should not be repelling these good men just to accept bad men, but YOU are helpless to change the situation.

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But God.

But God can change whatever is in you that is attracting the wrong person. A woman named Liberty Savard wrote a book called, “Breaking the Power”. And this book enlightened me about what Liberty calls “unhealed hurts, unresolved issues, and unmet needs”. She talked about how many of our recurrent, troublesome life issues can basically be resolved if we ask and allow God to heal our unhealed hurts, resolve our unresolved issues, and meet our unmet needs usually sprouting from childhood.

In other words, God can remove whatever we are composed of that’s keeping us attracted to and dating the wrong people and that’s keeping us single by having us to refuse/repel the right people so that we can love freely as we should in a healthy way in a marriage. In keeping with the magnet lingo, God can “heat us BEYOND our “Curie temperature” so that we will PERMANENTLY be able to love and be loved. But this will never be possible if God does not meet the unmet need, heal the unhealed hurt, and resolve the unresolved issue.

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Remember that the unresolved issues that make you who you are also what ATTRACT the wrong people into your life in addition to you repelling the right people. So until God fixes that in you, you will always attract the wrong people. So while some of you may think that bumping into Mr. Right will fix all your issues, please know that UNTIL you allow God to fix some of your more serious intimacy, self-esteem issues, you will attract nothing BUT Mr. Wrong. Mr. Rights will only be attracted to Ms. Rights. And Ms. Wrongs will ONLY attract Mr. Wrongs not to mention they can only be attracted to Mr. Wrongs.

I can speak personally when I say that God will begin changing these “magnets” within you today if you surrender all and ask Him too. And don’t be discouraged if you don’t see changes right away. I’ve found God to work more behind the scenes than He does in front of the curtain. He begins working as soon as you ask Him to – if you’re not sabotaging by working against Him. While it has been a sometimes anxiety-provoking transformation that has taken a few years, this has been an amazing journey for me to be able to love freely and fearlessly. Please don’t let your unresolved issues let you miss out on something so worthwhile.

Lazy Lovin’: Getting In the Relationship Is Easy, But How Long Can You Keep It?

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What do you do when you’ve prayed and prayed and prayed, and God still has not stepped into your situation? You’ve prayed for a spouse, and no spouse showed up. You’ve prayed for a job, and no employers’ have called. You’ve prayed to get out of debt, and you’re yet still in debt. Is God being lazy?

No. YOU are the lazy one.

Christians have the motto, “Pray until something happens.” And many Christians believe that they should not make any moves until God does something. They believe it is the mark of the spiritually mature to be still and see the work of the Lord. And in many cases this is true. But in some cases, it is laziness for an adult Christian to sit around and do nothing and to blame the Lord for nothing taking place.

I’ve seen this same laziness in people who read horoscopes and who believe in zodiac signs. They can meet a great guy, but as soon as they find out that their signs are “incompatible”, they stop all efforts of trying to have a successful relationship with the guy. They say, “It’s not worth it! It’s not in the stars for us anyway. He’s a Cancer, and I’m a Gemini. It’ll never work!” That is relationship laziness.

Some people may even do this with birth order. I hear that birth order is the number one predictor of one’s personality. This is probably said because your family of orientation is the first relationship you’ve had with people of the opposite sex for many years. If you’ve been the middle child for 25 years, you’re going to have middle child tendencies. If you’ve been the baby of the family of 13 children for 18 years, you’re going to have much in common with other children who are the youngest in their large families. If you’ve been the eldest of five for 14 years, there will be some personality traits that you will share with most other oldest children. And if you’ve been the only child of your parents for 20 years, that will shape a lot about you too. And these traits will likely follow you throughout your life since you’ve been trained with them in a controlled environment for at least 18 years. But is that an excuse to never date a great woman you met who’s a middle child because a book said that you as an only child are very incompatible with middle children? That is laziness not to try!

Many Christians do this. Especially Christians who have fear of failure, fear of intimacy, and fear of commitment. When a person has a fear of being hurt, they can find creative ways to avoid being hurt. And when a Christian has a fear of being hurt, they find seemingly “Christian” ways to avoid being hurt.

I’ll speak from a personal experience. My little sister bought a book called “Marriability”. And this book was written by a married couple who wrote about things that keep us single without our knowing. And one blessed chapter was about Christians. It talked of how many Christian women who have fear of being hurt will sometimes lie to themselves and say something to the effect of, “I’m not going to be actively looking for a spouse. I’ll actually just sit here in my house/apartment until God sends somebody my way. If GOD wants me married, there is nothing that I can do to stop that from happening. It won’t matter if I’m sloppy-looking, dressed in rags, have poor hygiene, and am as mean as a rattlesnake. Can’t me or nobody else prevent the plan of God for my love life!”

How delusional! Not even God will override the desires and will of a man for what he desires in a woman. If men want women who care about that looks, you need to remember that if you want a spouse. I think some people who fear the risk of hurt that comes with dating are the same people who say, “I’ll just sit here until God sends my prince(ss) to me. Why go out and date when I can get hurt? I’ll just stay safe in my comfort zone where no one can hurt me. The person God sends me will never hurt me. And the relationship with them will be effortless.” That is not true. Even someone that God sends your way can hurt you by mistake because they are imperfect. Even in a relationship that God send you, you will still have to put in a lot of work too. Even if you and the spouse are doing everything to make the relationship successful, please understand and know that many other people and spiritual enemies will fight your relationship. So you have to be strong with regards to the two of you and then also you have to be strong with regards to attacks that will come from the others.

So if you’re too lazy to get out and make yourself available and eligible for a relationship, what makes you think that you will have the energy to keep a relationship going? Haters will fight it. Exes will fight. Skeptical church members, friends, and families will fight it. And if you’re a Christian, Satan and his arsenal of demons will sure enough fight it! So since you know this, you know you will have to give it your all every step of the way.

Relationships are hard work. They are not easy. I’ve never heard anyone say either in real life or in the movies that their relationship has been effortless. Even if you and the person are compatible as a Taurus and a Cancer. Even if you and the person are compatible in your birth order – he’s the eldest brother of all sisters and you’re the baby girl of all brothers. Even if you both are preacher’s kids from the same denomination. Even if you two have the same intelligence level, same good looks, same socioeconomic status, and the same friends. Even with the foundation being pretty good, a relationship will be hard work at best.

We have to get the root of relationship laziness. I know someone who’s been trying to help a friend get a job. But the unemployed friend is very lazy. And so even if the working friend helps the other friend get a job, the lazy friend will not keep the job for long because the friend does not have the work ethic for keeping a job for a long time. He lost the last job because he was lazy, and until he gets to the root of his work laziness, he will stay being fired. So just as he needs to find out WHY he can’t keep a job, we constantly single people need to find out WHY we keep staying single even when we are able-bodied, attractive adults.

Relationships take work. Marriages take work. And I feel that Satan especially fights Christian marriages because he knows that every time a Christian marriage fails, it reflects poorly on Christianity as a whole. So when you get married as a believer, you better get ready with the skills to make it last in spite of Satan’s relentless attacks. And because relationships take a lot of work – two imperfect, flawed, sinful people trying to come together for a lifetime – you need to stop being lazy. You cannot do a job successfully with laziness. You can only do a hard job successfully with consistently hard work.

Let me tell you what I would do. I would meet a great guy. I would like him for a while. And then the minute I ran into an “obstacle”, I would stop trying to work at it and I would let it go. And that lack of stick-to-it-ness is what caused the relationships to fail. It wasn’t the obstacle – perceived or actual – it was my laziness. If the guy and I didn’t agree on everything, I would say to self, “See! That’s a sign right there! I shouldn’t be dating this guy!” If he liked a singer I didn’t like, or a sport I didn’t like, or a preacher I didn’t like, I took that to mean that God didn’t send him to me. I took that as a red flag for me to give up. I think I’m very fortunate in that God has sent MANY great guys my way. No alcoholics, no addicts, no abusers, no cheaters, no bums, but good quality men. And yet even though we both were eligible bachelor and bachelorette, I still found some way not to make it work with them. I had the materials to make a successful relationship; I just did not have the relationship work ethic.

That’s one thing I realized about myself. I’ve never fought for anything all my life. If a coworker or employer or client annoyed me too much, I would quit the job. If a club I joined had lost its excitement, I’d drop out of it. If a goal I made for myself became too difficult, I would either make the goal too easy or just quit the goal altogether. If I was given a prophecy and I didn’t feel like I believed in it one day, I’d just stop working to get what God promised me. If I didn’t like the pastor of my church or something he said, I’d leave the church. If a friend or family member made me mad, I would cut them off. If a Twitter follower or a Facebook friend rudely disagreed with something I wrote, I would delete or block them. I was L A Z Y! And needless to say, I had little to show for myself. I could have had so many more friends, could have been further along in the ministry, could have been closer to my family members, could have led many loved ones to the Lord, could have had a graduate degree, could have been married by now, etc. But because of my laziness, I would give up on things.

Everything you want is just outside of your comfort zone. The love life you want is just outside of your fear of intimacy. The career you want is just outside of your work ethic and your educational comfort zone. The health you want is just outside of your exercise and eating comfort zone. You will never attain anything of great worth in this life within your comfort zone. The only thing you will attain is comfort and regrets. Regrets that you didn’t work harder at that marriage. That you didn’t try to get the Master’s. That you didn’t persevere a little more with your pastor. That you weren’t more patient with that family member.
Comfort zone is the breeding ground for regrets.

Who told you that you should give up on something because it got hard? Did Moses give up on heading to the promised land because the way got hard? Did Abraham give up on having a son with Sarah because it looked impossible? Did David give up on honoring King Saul because Saul made it hard on him? Did Jesus give up on the Cross because it was difficult? Did Paul give up preaching the gospel because it got hard? No one has attained anything of great value in the bible by giving up when it got hard. Things getting hard are NO excuse to stop trying. Stop being lazy. Keep working at the thing until you achieve the thing. It’ll never get any easier. It’ll only get harder with time. NOW is the time. Now is easier than then. For example, it’s easier to go to graduate school right after undergraduate. It’s easier to work out the day after you worked out rather than waiting a week to work out again. Keep going even if it was hard the first time because it only gets harder when you wait.

What NOT To Do When He Loves You Not

When he doesn't like you naturally, do you make him think he likes you mentally?

I decided to write this note when another friend of mine had purchased yet ANOTHER book on “how to get a man”. Selah! This one was called “Why Men Love B**ches”. This friend of mine was interested in a young man that she knows was not nearly as interested in her. So she tried to get tips on how to get and keep his attention. So this is a note to all the women (and I guess men too) who are looking for love or who have already found it, and who are doing anything other than simply being genuine in order to keep it going. Men can read this too because sometimes they are guilty of love manipulation or “man, I pull a sham/scam”!

How did you get your man? Through manipulation? Or was he just The One and you found each other at the right time?

The reason I ask this is because I know so many females who don’t wait until a decent guy comes along. They just pick the cool, jerk of a guy, and use all of these shams and scams to get him to commit. Or at least to stay as long as possible.

But, ladies, that is manipulation! ManIPullaSham. Man, I Pull A Sham/Scam!

My college buddies and I used to read a lot of Cosmopolitan and Redbook magazine back when we were in college. We loved to read the articles that taught us how to snag and keep a man. I also loved to spend a lot of time on iVillage, which is like Cosmopolitan online. We used it because if we pulled a man, I wanted to make him fall more in love with us so that he wouldn’t leave. And the times we couldn’t get the man we wanted, we would manipulate matters to get his attention. By manipulation, I mean when you see that someone’s free will has chosen not to be with you or stay with you, you employ underhanded strategies and techniques to change his free will.

The truth is that if a dude likes you, he will let you know sooner or later (and usually sooner than later). So why should we manipulate or pull a sham of a scam to hurry it if it will happen between us and the dudes that like us? Now there are some instances when a man that really likes you may not approach you.

1. If he’s very shy and fearful of rejection. Love phobia is very common.

2. If he’s dating someone else at the time, and he is a good, faithful dude who does not want to hurt her feelings by dumping her just to date someone else.

3. If he’s a good guy, who does not want to try to break up your relationship with another guy out of respect for the other young man.

4. Sometimes (and this is for the guy who is serious about you), a guy will scope you out for a few weeks to see if you are long-term/marriage material.

For #1, you can sometimes tell when a guy is shy. I know because I used to be VERY shy myself and don’t like rejection at all. For along time, I was a love-phobe. If I thought there was any chance I’d get rejected, I’d totally ignore the guy even if I thought I’d really like getting to know him. So if you know that the guy is shy, then you can let him know he has a good chance if he tries. But if you have to keep giving him hints, he’s probably not interested. So don’t manipulate.

For #2, if he’s dating someone else at the time, respect the other young lady. I’m sure he’s thinking of a plan to end his current relationship to look into starting one with you. Besides, who would want a guy who would cheat anyway? He’d see that you tolerate cheating, and he might do it to you too later.

For #3, if you’re dating someone else, you need to leave that person before you look at new dude out of respect for your current. Then the new dude will see the open door of opportunity for him to try. And he’d also respect and trust you more for being a trustworthy and faithful girlfriend (wifey material). So just know that some dudes will not try to date you if you’re already taken or seem to be taken.

For #4, be on your best behavior, and be you. I had a guy scope me out to see if he would like me. He even went so far as to ask people about me to see if I was his type and to see if he had a good chance with me. Fortunately, I had a good reputation, so he got good reports. It was funny, because when I asked him what people said about me, he said, “I was told that you did not play. I heard that whoever dated you better get his mind right because you don’t tolerate the foolishness.” (He got that right!) Now if I had been acting a fool in public, and had the people that he asked about me told him that, he would have never let me know he was interested, and I’ve have kept on sabotaging myself as a single by acting like a person that men don’t want to date.

But let’s be clear. I also believe that we should always be ourselves. For example, if you like a man who’s in UPC or an apostolic church, you shouldn’t start wearing long skirts because his church equates long dresses to holiness. And you shouldn’t start dressing in black and chains to get a gothic or emo person’s attention when you know you only have three black outfits and all else is pastel and polo style! You shouldn’t act hard to get a thuggish guy’s attention because he’ll soon find out you’re fake and soft.

Now as far as manipulation is concerned, there are many ways to do this. I’ll use some examples that I have known people to use:

Examples:

Physical attraction manipulation – If you were going for the attention of a shallow guy, you might wear hair extensions, colored contacts, fake nails, false lashes, and a stuffed bra. You’ll buy freak ‘um dresses to show off your shape.

Sexual manipulation – I hear some people use animal pheromones to attract the opposite sex! Tiger urine might catch him, but when you’re not wearing it, he or she will probably quickly lose interest. When you see the guy or girl losing interest, you might try to bed them and try any kinky thing or kama sutra position to regain their attention.

Emotional manipulation – “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me! After all I’ve done for you! *cry* I paid for your car to get fixed. I gave you my virginity! I let you meet my parents! *sob* Every man I’ve ever dated has played me. I guess you’re just like all the rest. I thought you were a good guy. Guess I was wrong about you.”

Threat manipulation – You also might threaten the guy or girl if they try to leave you. “I’ll sleep with your best friend if you leave! I know all your secrets. I’ll tell everyone! I won’t let you see our daughter or son anymore if you leave me for her! I want my car and all those clothes I bought you back! I think I might be pregnant with your baby.”

Role-reversal/mind game manipulation – If you know he’s distant, you’ll mimic his behavior to play mind games to make him call you. You’ll go out if he goes out even if you don’t want to, just to keep his mind wondering where you are. You’ll flirt with his friends to keep him at least a little jealous and worried about one of them dating you even though he doesn’t like you enough to date you. You’ll lie about things to make him insecure, “All the other women are just using you for your money. I’m the only women who loves you for who you are.”

Ego manipulation – You pretend that he is a big, strong man who is your knight-in-shining armor so that his ego will be stroked and so that he’ll stay around for more ego stroking. Flattery. “You’re the best (boyfriend) I’ve ever had!”

Friend and family manipulation – You try to get in his mom and sister’s good graces so that they can argue on your behalf when he dumps you or considers dumping you.

But do you really want a guy that you’ll have to keep pulling tricks out of your hat to keep? You live in constant fear that he will leave you. Because your problem and solution lies in him, he somewhat controls your emotions and thoughts and actions because all you think about is if or when he is going to leave you and how to keep him with you. You’ll spend so much time manipulating, that you’ll have little time to enjoy and build the relationship.

Now which of the following scenarios makes more sense?

1. Find a guy who has little to no interest in you. Read up on magazine and internet articles and books to find out how to get his interest. Once you get even a bit of his interest, read even more books and articles and ask your friends for ways to make him be with you for at least a while longer. When you get that far, read yet more books and articles and advice columns to get him not leave you yet.

OR

2. Handle your own business. Work on being the best you that you can be, and wait until a guy approaches you that actually likes you for your true and best you.

What is the purpose of prolonging the inevitable? If this guy or girl was never meant for you, then you’re wasting your life and the time you could be spending with someone better suited for and appreciative of the real you.

Here’s what I used to do when I was a teenager in college. I have no shame being transparent with the mistakes and choices that I made because they are not me anymore. Well, I had a boyfriend that I really liked. When I thought he was thinking of leaving me (and it was all in my mind), I would talk to my friends who didn’t even have a man and ask them what I should do. I’d buy “Freak ‘Um Dresses” to best compliment my shape, I’d go to a club where I know he’d be, and I’d try my best to make him notice. I’d flirt with his friends to make him jealous. Then his friends would comment to him how great I looked that night. Of course, men are visual beings, so he always let me know he liked what he saw. My freshman year of college, I wanted to eliminate most of the competition with the other freshmen, so I got long extensions, I got some green contact lenses, and I wore make up a lot.

I’m not saying that light colored eyes makes everyone look more attractive. I’m just saying what I used to do. And I’m also not saying that women can’t improve their looks; wearing eyeliner doesn’t make you a phony! But I’ve heard of women who go to the extreme with their outer appearance even with just make-up. I heard of a female MINISTER who admitted to sleeping in her make-up so that her husband won’t wake up to her raggedy face! Some women will go the extreme (Los Angeles ladies) and will get cheek implants, breast implants, butt implants, lip injections, rhinoplasty, facelift, liposuction, Botox, so forth and so on. There are some Indian and Black women who bleach their skin because fairer or lighter skin is more attractive to some men. (Michael Jackson thought he’d look better, but look what happened to him!)

Now what kind of men do you suppose that these women attract? They are probably shallow, superficial men who will leave them as soon as they gain five pounds or start to sag. I want a man who will be with me if (God forbid) I get terribly burned in a fire or become a paraplegic. Sickness and in health, nah mean?

I always believed that my hubby would find me when I was checking the mailbox with my sleeping clothes on (in my family, we don’t wear pajamas. We wear terry cloth or yoga pants and raggedy t-shirts that we call sleeping clothes lol). I’d have on my glasses (remember when Marilyn Monroe sang that song, “Men Don’t Make Passes at Girls that Wear Glasses”?). And I’d have on absolutely no make-up and my hair would be a hot mess. Then I’d know he’d be there for the long haul and for the REAL me. And if I gained a lot of unattractive weight, he’d still be there to say, “You’re beautiful.” When I’m in the delivery room in labor with sweat pouring down my face and I’m swollen and screaming, he’ll say, “You’re beautiful.” And when I’m 80 years old, saggy and wrinkled, smelly, in a Hover Round, suffering from Alzheimer’s, and unable to give him sex, he’ll still say, “You’re beautiful.”

Manipulation may work for a year, but sooner or later you’ll get tired of all that hard work, and you’ll just want a relationship that’s smooth. I know every worthwhile relationship and marriage has its struggles and trials, but I sure don’t want that mess before the relationship begins. I have never let my boyfriends see me in my glasses, for fear of looking geeky. I never leave the house without my hair looking decent. And maybe that’s part of being a woman with good self-respect making sure that she’s presentable in public. But at the same time, you have to accept yourself as you are and sell that.

There’s a book called Marriable that is written by a married couple. In one chapter, they talk about one’s “marriability factor”. Everyone has an idea of what they’re selling. For example, which of the following has a better chance at getting a good husband?

1. Latasha, who has a Master’s Degree in Nuclear Engineering. She’s in shape. She has clear skin. She has a nice car and her own home. She has hobbies and talents. She has a good reputation, she has good hygiene, and has resolved most of her emotional issues. She also has good tastes in clothes.

2. Janet, who is a high school dropout. She’s known around town for being promiscuous and a cheater. She has bad acne, she rides a bike, and she lives with her parents. She’s 50 pounds overweight, she smells, and all her exes say she’s a basketcase and possessive. She wears either disgustingly tight or sloppily loose clothing.

Now if Janet and Latasha are looking to marry a man who has much to offer, he’d probably pick Latasha because she has more to offer which increases her marriability factor. It works the same way in high school. The quarterback dates the head cheerleader and not the shy recluse of a bookworm who cares less about her looks.

No, dude’s not shallow. He just knows that he’s getting more for his buck with the first girl. So I do believe women should work on their marriability instead of just saying, “a truly good guy will like me for me.” Even the most devout of Christian men would prefer an attractive, healthy woman to a rough-looking, sloppy woman. You need to be the BEST you. Be the best Janet, and he might go for you. You don’t have to be well-educated, but you should finish what you started in high school. You don’t have to starve yourself, but you shouldn’t remain obese to the point that you’re inactive and unhealthy. It’s not hard to have good hygeine. Soap, shampoo, deo, and toothpaste are the basics. I bet Janet wouldn’t settle for a man who lived with his grandparents and who didn’t have a car. So she can’t expect much of a chance from a man who does have his own place and his own ride.

So I think women should be the best them they can be. If God gave you brown eyes, dress them up if you please with make-up every once in a while, but think twice about wearing fake colored-lenses just because a certain dude might prefer light-colored eyes. Because when you get sick of being hazel or blue, he might get sick of you if he’s shallow enough. If you’re big-boned, get healthy, but don’t starve yourself to be Nicole Richie. Because if that weight comes back on, you want to make sure the relationship is still on. If you’re feisty and assertive, don’t be overly aggressive and rude, but you don’t have to be a milquetoast. Because when he gets around your family and friends, he’ll know you to be a fiesty fake. Be your best you, that way when the right guy comes along, you won’t have to change much or do much more or do nothing at all to keep him interested in YOU.

But if you want the wrong guy or a guy you will have to manipulate, here’s what you can continue to do for the duration of the relationship:

1. Stock up on a lot of MAC because you’re expecting to spend a lot of time with him with a flawless face.

2. Get a credit card to buy a whole lot of sexy clothes to keep him interested.

3. Save up a lot of money for weave and fake nails and padded bras to keep your sexy up.

4. Stock up on Redbook and Cosmopolitan for info on how to keep your man

5. Do a lot for him so that you can give him a guilt trip when he tells you it’s not working out.

6. Buy a kama sutra manual to learn awkward positions to keep him impressed

7. Flirt with all his friends to make him jealous

8. Prepare to compromise some of your beliefs and convictions to keep him happy

9. Spend many a sleepless night wondering if you’re wasting your time on this 90-10 relationship (he does 10 of the work keeping the relationship in existence, and you do 90%)

10. Spend the entire relationship waiting for the inevitable time when all your tricks run out and he gets bored with the girl that you are and that he never did like and leaves for someone he does.

“There is no disguise that can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.” – La Rochefoucauld

No H8ing, But Here’s Why I’m Against Same-Sex Marriage

You can't change the definition of something God already defined thousands of years ago. You're too late.

I am not against same-sex marriage because I just think it’s “gross”.

I am not against same-sex marriage because my church told me to think and believe that way.

I am against same-sex marriage because it’ll never fulfill the purpose of what God originally intended.

It’s like calling some hair grease the word “nail polish” when it absolutely fulfills none of the requirements of nail polish. If you want to be under the label of “nail polish” so bad, just call the hair grease “wail molish” or “tail bolish”, but do not call your own invention of God’s already invented institution “nail polish.” It’s like a man trying to pledge a sorority. Everyone knows that sororities are only for females. Instead of the man joining a sorority, why doesn’t he just join a fraternity?! Or make up a word similar to sorority like hojority?

I know it’s starting to sound silly, but it’s going to get REAL good.

I used to think that marriage was simply the Christian way for a man and woman who wanted to have sex as a couple without the fear of going to hell looming over their heads. Then as I got older, I realized that there were financial benefits to marriage if one of the spouses died or if the couple were to divorce. Alimony and pre-nuptuals and wills and inheritance came into play.

But just a few weeks ago, I started to see marriage as it REALLY is. It’s not about guilt-free sex and monetary benefits and security; it’s about a very special, intimate dynamic relationship that the Bible teaches us about.

Genesis 2:23-25 (NIV)

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Matthew 19:4-6 (KJV)

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Ephesians 5:21-34 (KJV)

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

While visiting a church whose sermon for the day was “Naked & Unashamed”, I learned the true definition of marriage. Just as it is mentioned in Ephesians 5:32, it a great mystery concerning Christ and the church. The pastor said that marriage is symbolic of our relationship to God/Jesus.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

Matthew 25:1 – At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.

Jesus is the bridegroom that this parable is referring too. We, the church, are the virgins who are to be his bride. But this post is not about the return of Jesus; it’s about the purpose of marriage.

The pastor at this church said that when Jesus was taken down from the cross after he was crucified and died, he was wrapped in linen and laid in a tomb.

Mark 15:46 – And he bought fine linen, and took him down, and wrapped him in the linen, and laid him in a sepulchre which was hewn out of a rock, and rolled a stone unto the door of the sepulchre.

The pastor said that at that time and in that culture, after a wedding, the couple would lay a white sheet on the bed where they would consummate their marriage. If after the sexual intercourse the sheet was still white, then the man would assume that the woman was not a virgin when they married. If that was the case, the marriage would be annulled. The blood on the linens was proof of the purity of the woman. When Jesus died for us, His murderers checked to see if he was dead by piercing him in his side.

The usual custom was the put a pole at the bottom of the foot and push it upwards very hard, and if the crucified person did not scream in agony over having the leg bone broken, they knew that the person was dead. But with Jesus, they decided to pierce him in his side instead. Maybe this is a stretch, but could it be that just as a virgin has to have her hymen torn by her husband in order for the marriage to have been consummated, could it be that Jesus had to be pierced and had to bleed on the “marriage bed white linen” in order to prove the consummation of the marriage? In order to prove the professed purity of our Jesus?

John 19:31

The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away. Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him. But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs: But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water. And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe. For these things were done, that the scripture should be fulfilled, A bone of him shall not be broken. And again another scripture saith, They shall look on him whom they pierced.

In a human marriage, I believe that most people (whether believers or not) would agree that marriage should consist of unconditional love, sacrifice, acceptance, truth/honesty, and faithfulness/commitment. Aren’t those the EXACT same things we get from our relationship with God and Jesus?

In the church services that occur every Sunday, some people are only there for a “spiritual orgasm”. This typically occurs in African-American Pentecostal churches. We want to shout, run, jump, dance, and cry. That’s all good, but are they producing fruit? We want the “orgasm”, but we don’t want to get impregnated with the Word so that we can eventually birth fruit or “baby Christians”/disciples. Marriage is not just about good sex; marriage is also about procreation (having children). Homosexual marriages will never be able to procreate because either both couples have the womb or both couples have the seed. You have to have one seed (at least) and one womb to make a baby!

Last, but not least, marriage is supposed to be a place where both partners can be “naked” and “unashamed” before one another. The same is true in our relationship to God. At first, Adam and Eve were naked before God and felt no shame. However, after Adam and Eve had sinned and found out that they were both naked, they became ashamed before God because they didn’t want Him to see their nudity.

FIRST

Genesis 2:25 – The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

THEN

Genesis 3:9-11 – And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he [Adam] said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he [God] said, Who told thee that thou wast naked?

At first, they were naked and unashamed. But after they knew of their nakedness, they became ashamed. God knew all along that they were naked, but they didn’t and weren’t supposed to know.

God wants to know us intimately. He wants nothing between us in our relationship to Him. No “clothes” or “condoms”. Just us. We try to hide behind facades and religion, but He knows our hearts. He loves us unconditional. You can’t have true intimacy while wearing spiritual “clothes” and “condoms”.

So THAT’S what marriage means to me. It’s not for homosexual, lesbians, or even heterosexuals just to have guilt-free/fornication-less sex and to get financial perks. It’s all about doing it God’s way according to His original design. If you will not be doing it God’s way, then you ought to be calling it something else…

Farriage, Garriage, Tarriage, Parriage, but just not marriage! You can’t name something new and different with the same name as something else that has already been named, defined, or instituted. I have no right as a human to name human children “dogs” or vice versa. They have already been named and defined. You can’t redefine what God has set in stone.

P.S. Some of you might think, “well many heterosexuals don’t do marriage God’s way b/c every heterosexual is not a Christian, so is she against nonChristian heterosexual marriage too?” To that I say, “The name of the post is Why I Am Against Same-Sex Marriage; it is not called Who All Writeous Rhema Thinks Has the Right To Get Married.”

The Ugly Truth About What Men REALLY Think About Us Women

You'd be surprised of what men really think of some of us women!

This is one of the few posts that I will write on romantic relationships, but I’m sure the ladies will really be helped by this one. It might be offensive when you find out how men really think about things concerning us, but I think it’s important to know.

I read this book written by three men who tell women what men really think about some of the things we do. This book was so informative and enlightening to me! Keep in mind that this is not what I think. This is all information that I got from two books and one research study. Here are some of the more important points they mentioned.

Men are very fearful of rejection. This may cause them not to approach you even when they are really interested. If they feel that the risk of happiness is worth the risk of rejection, they may go for it. But usually, then will need some help on the woman’s end. She’ll have to smile at him. Give him a little eye contact. Have open body language. Then he will feel more comfortable approaching her. But if he feels even the slightest hint of disinterest on her behalf, he will balk. She may wonder, “What happened? I thought he liked me?” You may have given out a signal that you were not interested in him, so he decided to leave before he got his feelings hurt.

Men are admirable because they face a lot of rejection. Some men probably get turned down five times a day, and yet they keep going in order to find a girlfriend. Some women are so rude to men because they don’t know how much nerve it takes for the men to ask for her number or ask her out. Some men finally build up the nerve to approach the girl, and then she totally disses him by ignoring him or giving him a mean mug. Ladies, let’s play nice! If you’re not interested, treat him like you would like to be treated if you had approached an attractive man that you liked who was not interested in you. Every human deserves respect.

Men have a built-in “test” for women. They will sometimes try the girls they are interested in to see if they give them sex too soon. If the girl gives it up on the first night, they will immediately file her into the “party girl” folder. But if she doesn’t have sex with him, she’s still in the running to be their next girlfriend. The line women sometimes use, “I don’t always have sex on the first night,” doesn’t work for men. Even if it is true, men don’t believe it. Some men even have to hold in a chuckle because they expect women to say it right after they have sex on the first night. They know when that phrase is coming, so they wait on it, and sure enough comes, “I hope you don’t think I’m promiscuous. I don’t usually do this.” Men don’t believe that line even when it’s 100% true. You could be a virgin, and still most of them would not believe that line.

Men will try to preserve your “girlfriend potential” if they really like you and could see a long-term relationship with you. While many men are just looking for a good night, they always keep their radar on for the wifey-type chick. They may have sex with a different woman each night, but they’ll usually know a good one when they see her. If they are interested in her as a girlfriend, they will not even have sex with her (too soon) because they know that if she gives it up too soon, they won’t like her that much anymore. They figure, “I already got the prize, so why in the world should I pretend to care about her hobbies, dislikes, and career?” So if a guy who is claiming to like you pressures you for sex, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential. He may string you along to keep having sex with you, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend. Ouch!

This is one of the more painful ones I read, but it said that most men are repulsed after having sex with a woman that they only wanted sex with. The book actually used the word repulsed. They said that even while many men are so exhausted after doing the deed, their physical exhaustion (which they might use as an excuse not to cuddle or talk after sex) may not exceed their mental disgust after having sex with a woman they never really liked in the first place. The book said that this is the reason why some men will leave right after sex with a woman. They have this overwhelming urge to get away from her which overpowers their strong desire to sleep.

Men don’t trust women who have sex too soon. Some men don’t trust women who have sex before marriage. They figure, “If she had sex with me after only two weeks, then I KNOW she had sex with her twelve exes after only two weeks too.” Men can be insecure sometimes, so they’ll always wonder how they measure up to your past loves. So, for example, if you don’t have sex with him until after five years, he’ll feel in his heart and head that you must have treated all exes similarly. And if you’ve only had a few boyfriends, he’ll feel more comfortable with that obviously.

Men are visual beings, so they want an attractive girlfriend. I realize this a lot when I go to different churches or have visiting pastors come to my church home. Even the “holiest” of men have the most beautiful wives. Their hair, nails, and make-up are always done well. They dress really nice. Some women think it’s shallow of men to be like this, but they were made visual beings by God. They can appreciate a beautiful woman or a woman who puts effort into her looks. They will, of course, pick the pretty girl who’s in shape over the homely girl who is not in shape all other things (personality, character, intelligence) being equal. Duh! So while every woman is not going to be a Halle Berry with enough money to have the best clothes and beautician, most women can try their best and men will notice and appreciate that.

Men do judge women negatively by the way we act and look. If you are a sloppy drunk, they will not pursue you because they find you embarrassing. The book said that men do not feel like watching you every minute at a party in hopes of preventing you from embarrassing them in front of their friends. Who wants the drunk for a girlfriend, fiancée, wife, or mother of their children? They may want to party with you and have sex with you because you’re fun, but it ends there. There is a double standard at play here, but men are conservative when it comes to their girlfriends. If the dude you are interested in is a nasty guy like Ice T is with his wife Coco, he may want you to show off all your assets and treat you like a whore in public. But if you want a respectable guy, he will, of course, want a respectable girl.

Also, if you have your breasts or legs out, they will forever and always see you as a party girl. If you get saved or something and they can tell the change in you, they can see you differently perhaps. But if you are still a party girl who just covers up more now, they’ll still see you that way. Sure, it’s not always fair to be judged by your appearance – especially something like clothes that will change every day – but it happens just like at a job interview. You could have graduated from Yale with honors, but if you are wearing a mini-skirt and a halter top, they will not hire you. It’s not that you’re not qualified; it’s just that they believe that it’s wise to judge a tree by its fruit. If you claim to be an intelligent and hard worker but didn’t think enough of them to dress appropriately for the interview, they will not believe you are that intelligent and hard worker you claim to be even if it’s on your resume. If you are claiming to be a “wifey” tree and yet all you produce are “party girl” fruit, they will use their brains and say that you are not a wifey tree, but are instead a party girl tree.

When men see a girl with her body exposed, they don’t see us as women. They see us as objects unless they know you from before they saw you dressed with less clothes. There was a study done where they had the little electrodes taped onto men’s heads. The study showed that the part of men’s brains that was activated when seeing a girl in a bikini was the same part of their brain that they used when using tools. That part of the brain works like, “I use. I pull. I push.” This is not what the men reported but based on their brain activity so you know it’s not biased on what the men thought they should say so as not to look like jerks or pervs. That part of the brain is also the same part where men think of homeless people and drug addicts. They see scantily-clad women, homeless people, and drug addicts as objects with no feelings. But when it came to women who were covered up, their brain saw the women as people with feelings. SHOCKING!

Men know up front whether they are attracted to you or not. Women are sometimes the other way; we may not be attracted initially, but later on, we can think, “I know he’s just a friend, but he could have potential to be more…” Men know in the first three seconds or less whether they would ever be romantically or physically attracted to you. There’s no use in trying to manipulate or change that by buying gifts, being flirty, etc. because it’ll never happen for you and him. There’s a built-in chemical effect that goes on between a man and a woman when they are attracted to each other, and you can’t affect that chemistry by tricks and gimmicks. It’s biological, so you can’t fool with it. It’s just the way it is.

I read in the other book that birth control pills can affect a woman’s biological chemistry. It said that birth control pills can have a negative affect on a woman’s chemistry because she will start to pick the wrong men based on the unnatural attraction. It said women on birth control usually pick a guy with similar biological chemistry as her so that relationship will rarely work. After they get married and she stops the birth control for them to have children, she realizes that their biological chemistry did not mix and that she was fooled by the birth control pill. When it comes to biological chemistry, opposites do attract. So if you are with a guy now, and you are on birth control pills, the book suggested that you get off of them for awhile to see if you really like this person and if he really likes you.

Of course, there are the exceptions to the rules. But those could be about 1 in about 200,000,000. You don’t want to make a lottery out of your romantic chances, so you should just take the advice from these three very honest men. In your case, it’ll probably be how the book said it will be unless a miracle occurs. Hope this helps, ladies!

Many Christians are against premarital sex for religious reasons, but amazingly, the secular material here is in support of that without even using the bible!

Modest Is the Hottest: Skin Is Not In!

Does she look wife and/or mother material?

Someone to bring home to momma!

If you’re anything like how I used to be, you might have had a hard time accepting the fact that some churches wanted the women to dress conservatively or modestly. You probably thought, “Why can’t the men just pray to God to help them not be so lusty?!” I didn’t like that they wanted women to have the modesty scarves over their knees when their skirts were too short or showed their knees. I didn’t like that they wanted women to cover their arms with sleeves or shawls. I just didn’t understand why saved people had to change their style of clothes for others.

 

I always figured that since I was not able to have premarital sex and party hardy, it would only be fair that I would get to have at the least THIS choice over my life. It was like, “I became a Christian, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!” I became a Christian and lost all my old life, and I was not even allowed to dress how I wanted. I’m petite (size 0), so I also figured, “I can wear what I want because I don’t have wide hips or a voluptuous chest. Seriously, how tempting can I be with the body of a 12-year-old boy?”

 

But after reading this book called For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice, I now realize why. It is because men are so unlike us. To all the women readers, how much throughout the day would you think about or envision the nice physique of a dude you are crushing on? Most women will say, “Not much at all or never.” Once women see a man’s nice body, most of us immediately forget about it when the man or photograph (stimulus) is gone. I don’t walk around with visions of muscular male bodies in my head. But men are different. The book said that men will envision women’s bodies long after the fact. The book said that they have a storage file in their brains of the nice bodies they have seen throughout their life! They can remember bodies from years ago. Men are very visual unlike us. We’re visual too, but not like them; we are more tactile.

 

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 – “Everything is permissible—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.”

 

I learned that just because we CAN do certain things, that doesn’t mean that we should. Just because I can wear short shorts, doesn’t mean it’s what’s best. It may be what I want to do when its 97 degrees Fahrenheit outside in July in Texas, but that doesn’t mean that I should seek my “good” at the expense of all the men who will run into me in my short shorts. I can wear a bra in public if I want to, but it’s not beneficial or constructive to those men who will see me and who will lust for me because of my attire. In this book, which interviewed and surveyed thousands of heterosexual males, one of the boys said that his pastor told a lady in the church to remove a girl who was sitting in the front row who was wearing a skirt that was too short. This PASTOR was not ashamed to allude to the fact that an UNDERAGED female was very distracting to him. My old church was not very big and had stadium-type seats, so if the women had on short skirts and did not have their legs closed or covered with something, the pastor admitted that he could sometimes see their underwear! How embarrassing and shameful is that?! Here is the pastor trying to preach the Word of God, and he can’t concentrate because your underwear are visible to him! One of the most righteous men in the Bible, Job, even had to make a vow with his eyes for his eyes not to look with lust at a female.

 

Job 31:1 – “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”

 

When we wear tight or revealing clothes, men sometimes automatically envision us naked (and sometimes naked with them). It’s instinctual (meaning that they are designed to be able to appreciate, admire, and remember a nice body when they see one). Ask most men, and they will probably remember the first naked body they saw in their big brother’s pornography collection or seedy magazine. They remember every woman’s body they had sex with. These images come up automatically even when the men DO NOT want them to come up. It’s like unwanted pop-up ads. Some men, of course, don’t mind these images, but some really do mind because they want to keep their thoughts and hearts pure.

 

I think about all the times I wore tight or revealing clothes. I used to wear some of the skimpiest things back in the day when I was not saved. I wore barely-there, see-through clothes, and very short clothes. After reading this book, I felt bad when I thought of all the men I had tempted unknowingly (but mostly knowingly). I didn’t want to cause them to sin, but I did like the attention. The bible says that any man that looks at a woman with lust in his heart is guilty of adultery. Not to be hurtful to anyone, but the book said that these men are usually looking with lust at women with attractive bodies, so if you have a nice body, your tight clothes are without a doubt tempting men. But even if your body is not “coke-bottley”, even if you are very underweight or overweight, it should not matter because some men like women of different sizes! For many black men, they lust for women with shapely bottoms. But some men are breast men. But either way, men with character will struggle not to look at you and envision you naked.

 

Matthew 5:28 – “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

 

This post is chiefly for Christians because I know that Christian women should not want to tempt our Christian brothers and also because I have used a few bible verses that non-Christians might disagree with. I’ve seen women who cover their bodies in clothes kind of like how the Duggar family dresses. At first, I thought how they dressed was unnecessary and legalistic. But now I see why they do it. But I also feel that one can be fashionable and trendy while being modest. If you don’t have a lot of money to totally upgrade your wardrobe, there are different ways that you can “modest-ify” your current wardrobe. I shared some of these with the young ladies in an etiquette program I am doing at my church. If you have a cute shirt that you really like and don’t want to give away but it lifts up and shows your midriff, you can wear a sleeveless undershirt to extend the length to go past the top of your pants. If you have some really cute tight pants you don’t want to let go of, you can just wear long shirts over it. If you have a cute tank top or sleeveless shirt that you like, you can put a light jacket or sweater over it. Believe me when I say that women’s arms at times can turn some men on in the wrong way. I thought this was ludicrous when I heard this last summer, but I was told that when women don’t shave their armpits, it makes some men envision a females private part! I hear that is why they tell women to wear sleeves to church.

 

Compared to some of the photographs I used in this blog, I don’t dress nearly as modestly; but I just used them to exaggerate my point so that you would definitely get it!

 

Proverbs 6:25 – “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes”

 

I was thinking that this summer, I will probably have to buy some different swimming suits. I have a small shape, but it’s nice enough to tempt men. So when I go to the beach or pool, I get looks. So I might want to buy some type of longer shorts to wear and a tankini (a sleeveless swimming top that covers the stomach). Summertime is no excuse to dress immodestly. Men are tempted at the beach just as easily as in the classroom or at the mall (and perhaps even more so). I believe some perverts might go to the beach just to get a cheap thrill. (But they won’t get it off of me!)

 

Now in some women’s defense, they don’t want to tempt men, but they do love the attention they get from dressing in tight or revealing clothing. Sometimes, when you don’t feel beautiful or attractive on the inside, you will try to get the attention from men to prove it to yourself. Imagine living in a world where you are never called beautiful or where you have never had an admirer. I couldn’t do it! I’d probably wear more make-up or get my hair done just to get a compliment to make certain of my attractiveness. I often hear how women who did not have fathers to tell them how beautiful they are will seek this validation from many other men. Well, to some women, that is their reality, so they may wear revealing or tight clothes to get the attention and validation that they crave. I guarantee that if you have a nice body and wear complimentary clothing, you WILL get attention from men. But it won’t be the right kind of attention.

 

So although you won’t find me in a frock down to my ankles or with high-collared shirts and turtlenecks all the time, you will hopefully never see me in a mini-skirt or short shorts. If I lived in a country with all heterosexual women, I wouldn’t care what I wore. But because I live in a society full of easily-tempted, automatically-visual, sexual-feeling men, I have to do better.

 

The book wrote of a female teacher who showed some high school girls the reason why dress codes were so important in schools. She decided to use chocolate to prove her point because knows how much many women love chocolate. First, she had all the boys go to a different classroom, and she had her student teacher stay in the classroom with all the girls. To the side of the room, she had a huge bag of Hershey’s Kisses chocolate candies. She told the girls not to look at, not to eat, not to talk about, and even not to THINK about the Hershey’s Kisses. She said that if they did, the student teacher would give them sentences to right over and over again. The teacher said that when she returned to the classroom, ALL of the girls had to write sentences. They all raised their hands when the teacher asked if they wanted candy and had a hard time not looking at it.

 

I Corinthians 8:9 – “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumblingblock to them that are weak.”

 

As it was with Hershey’s Kisses, so goes it with males. How much more desirable are our bodies than Hershey’s Kisses? Most heterosexual men will look, and all will WANT to look even if they don’t look. The book did surveys on men of all ages, backgrounds, and religious preferences. The only men they did not include were men outside of America and men who were homosexual. ALL men wanted to look because of their automatic male tendencies, but the men who had some kind of religion (and not just Christian) wished they didn’t want to look. I’m sure most of those girls did not want to write those sentences, but women just love chocolate. Put us in a mall with money to spend, and it would be hard for us not to go buy some shoes! Sex and nice bodies are to men as chocolate and shopping are to women. Women are very tactile (very into touch) like men are very visual.

Women, if a man touched or kissed you on your body, how hard would it be for you not to think of sexual things? The same goes for men. When they see a nice body (clothed or naked), it’s just as hard for them to say no to sexual images and feelings as it is for the women who are being touched or kissed. As Christian women, we should feel sorry for men because they are constantly bombarded with images that pop-up in their heads in person, in magazines, and on the television. We are all bombarded with great bodies every time we flip through the television. Let’s not add more images to their collection.

 

I really admire that virgin, Mormon man that was on MTV’s The Real World – Brooklyn. He said he had never seen a woman’s naked body before and that he wouldn’t until marriage. That is so beautiful because after his honeymoon, the only image that will keep replaying in his head — and sometimes without warning – will be the body of his wife, regardless of how her body looks. That is so beautiful! He’ll be less tempted to cheat because all he will know is her and her body. There will be no other women’s bodies popping up into his mind at any moment to tempt him and bring back sexual and pleasurable memories. Even if she’s not the most experienced in the bedroom, it’ll be great to him because it’ll be all he knows.

 

So Christian ladies, let’s cover up! If you have a nice body, everybody already knows it! You don’t have to show it! Give your future husband something to look forward to the night of the wedding. For the single ladies reading this, it helps if you think of yourself as already married. Think of yourself in the future. If God wills that you get married, then you already have a husband who is walking the earth now (you just might not have met him yet). Dress how you would dress if you and your husband were out for a walk or if you and your husband were having lunch with his family. Dress how you would dress if you knew that other people who wanted to be Christians were looking to you as their role model. Dress how you would dress if Jesus was sitting on your bed as you picked out your outfit for the day. Buy clothes that you would wear if you and Jesus went to the mall together to buy some new clothes. But don’t let me judge you; let God and Jesus judge you!

 

Here’s an article I found that proved my point!

 

“Bikinis Make Men See Women as Objects, Scans Confirm

Christine Dell’Amore in Chicago

National Geographic News

February 16, 2009

Sexy women in bikinis really do inspire some men to see them as objects, according to a new study of male behavior. Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up. Men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as “I push, I grasp, I handle,” said lead researcher Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University.

And in a “shocking” finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another’s intentions. This means that these men see women “as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds,” Fiske said. “The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens.”

Dehumanizing

Fiske and colleagues asked 21 heterosexual male volunteers to first take a test that scores people based on different types of sexist attitudes. The subjects were then shown pictures of both skimpily dressed and fully clothed men and women. Most of the men best remembered headless photographs of women in bikinis, even if they’d only seen the image for two-tenths of a second, Fiske reported this weekend in Chicago during the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

And the men who scored higher as “hostile sexists”—those who view women as controlling and invaders of male space—didn’t show brain activity that indicates they saw the women in bikinis as humans with thoughts and intentions. Scientists have seen this absence of activation only once before, in a study where people were shown off-putting photographs of homeless people and drug addicts.”

 

This study has proven me correct in that when women dress provocatively SOME men (not all) see them as tools to some extent. They see women’s bodies as something to “push, grasp, and handle” which unfortunately happens when women are dressed a certain way at a party or a club. I’m not saying it makes it right because it’s 100% wrong for men to put their hands on a woman’s body parts if they are not married to her. But STUDIES that have recorded brain activity show when you dress immodestly, men feel you are inviting them to want to view you sexually. They value your opinion and thoughts just as little as they do a homeless person or a crack addict. I’m not implying that it’s women’s fault if they are groped or sexually assaulted by men because it’s TOTALLY not their fault. But what I am implying is that when you are walking down a dark alley full of thugs, it’s not a good idea to safety pin hundred dollar bills onto your blouse just because “thugs shouldn’t take things that aren’t theirs”. YES, the men should not steal. Stealing is against the Bible and the law. But guess what? People steal anyway. So just because men shouldn’t do things, doesn’t mean that they won’t. So let’s act and dress accordingly!