This is one of the few posts that I will write on romantic relationships, but I’m sure the ladies will really be helped by this one. It might be offensive when you find out how men really think about things concerning us, but I think it’s important to know.
I read this book written by three men who tell women what men really think about some of the things we do. This book was so informative and enlightening to me! Keep in mind that this is not what I think. This is all information that I got from two books and one research study. Here are some of the more important points they mentioned.
Men are very fearful of rejection. This may cause them not to approach you even when they are really interested. If they feel that the risk of happiness is worth the risk of rejection, they may go for it. But usually, then will need some help on the woman’s end. She’ll have to smile at him. Give him a little eye contact. Have open body language. Then he will feel more comfortable approaching her. But if he feels even the slightest hint of disinterest on her behalf, he will balk. She may wonder, “What happened? I thought he liked me?” You may have given out a signal that you were not interested in him, so he decided to leave before he got his feelings hurt.
Men are admirable because they face a lot of rejection. Some men probably get turned down five times a day, and yet they keep going in order to find a girlfriend. Some women are so rude to men because they don’t know how much nerve it takes for the men to ask for her number or ask her out. Some men finally build up the nerve to approach the girl, and then she totally disses him by ignoring him or giving him a mean mug. Ladies, let’s play nice! If you’re not interested, treat him like you would like to be treated if you had approached an attractive man that you liked who was not interested in you. Every human deserves respect.
Men have a built-in “test” for women. They will sometimes try the girls they are interested in to see if they give them sex too soon. If the girl gives it up on the first night, they will immediately file her into the “party girl” folder. But if she doesn’t have sex with him, she’s still in the running to be their next girlfriend. The line women sometimes use, “I don’t always have sex on the first night,” doesn’t work for men. Even if it is true, men don’t believe it. Some men even have to hold in a chuckle because they expect women to say it right after they have sex on the first night. They know when that phrase is coming, so they wait on it, and sure enough comes, “I hope you don’t think I’m promiscuous. I don’t usually do this.” Men don’t believe that line even when it’s 100% true. You could be a virgin, and still most of them would not believe that line.
Men will try to preserve your “girlfriend potential” if they really like you and could see a long-term relationship with you. While many men are just looking for a good night, they always keep their radar on for the wifey-type chick. They may have sex with a different woman each night, but they’ll usually know a good one when they see her. If they are interested in her as a girlfriend, they will not even have sex with her (too soon) because they know that if she gives it up too soon, they won’t like her that much anymore. They figure, “I already got the prize, so why in the world should I pretend to care about her hobbies, dislikes, and career?” So if a guy who is claiming to like you pressures you for sex, he doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential. He may string you along to keep having sex with you, but he won’t ever make you his girlfriend. Ouch!
This is one of the more painful ones I read, but it said that most men are repulsed after having sex with a woman that they only wanted sex with. The book actually used the word repulsed. They said that even while many men are so exhausted after doing the deed, their physical exhaustion (which they might use as an excuse not to cuddle or talk after sex) may not exceed their mental disgust after having sex with a woman they never really liked in the first place. The book said that this is the reason why some men will leave right after sex with a woman. They have this overwhelming urge to get away from her which overpowers their strong desire to sleep.
Men don’t trust women who have sex too soon. Some men don’t trust women who have sex before marriage. They figure, “If she had sex with me after only two weeks, then I KNOW she had sex with her twelve exes after only two weeks too.” Men can be insecure sometimes, so they’ll always wonder how they measure up to your past loves. So, for example, if you don’t have sex with him until after five years, he’ll feel in his heart and head that you must have treated all exes similarly. And if you’ve only had a few boyfriends, he’ll feel more comfortable with that obviously.
Men are visual beings, so they want an attractive girlfriend. I realize this a lot when I go to different churches or have visiting pastors come to my church home. Even the “holiest” of men have the most beautiful wives. Their hair, nails, and make-up are always done well. They dress really nice. Some women think it’s shallow of men to be like this, but they were made visual beings by God. They can appreciate a beautiful woman or a woman who puts effort into her looks. They will, of course, pick the pretty girl who’s in shape over the homely girl who is not in shape all other things (personality, character, intelligence) being equal. Duh! So while every woman is not going to be a Halle Berry with enough money to have the best clothes and beautician, most women can try their best and men will notice and appreciate that.
Men do judge women negatively by the way we act and look. If you are a sloppy drunk, they will not pursue you because they find you embarrassing. The book said that men do not feel like watching you every minute at a party in hopes of preventing you from embarrassing them in front of their friends. Who wants the drunk for a girlfriend, fiancée, wife, or mother of their children? They may want to party with you and have sex with you because you’re fun, but it ends there. There is a double standard at play here, but men are conservative when it comes to their girlfriends. If the dude you are interested in is a nasty guy like Ice T is with his wife Coco, he may want you to show off all your assets and treat you like a whore in public. But if you want a respectable guy, he will, of course, want a respectable girl.
Also, if you have your breasts or legs out, they will forever and always see you as a party girl. If you get saved or something and they can tell the change in you, they can see you differently perhaps. But if you are still a party girl who just covers up more now, they’ll still see you that way. Sure, it’s not always fair to be judged by your appearance – especially something like clothes that will change every day – but it happens just like at a job interview. You could have graduated from Yale with honors, but if you are wearing a mini-skirt and a halter top, they will not hire you. It’s not that you’re not qualified; it’s just that they believe that it’s wise to judge a tree by its fruit. If you claim to be an intelligent and hard worker but didn’t think enough of them to dress appropriately for the interview, they will not believe you are that intelligent and hard worker you claim to be even if it’s on your resume. If you are claiming to be a “wifey” tree and yet all you produce are “party girl” fruit, they will use their brains and say that you are not a wifey tree, but are instead a party girl tree.
When men see a girl with her body exposed, they don’t see us as women. They see us as objects unless they know you from before they saw you dressed with less clothes. There was a study done where they had the little electrodes taped onto men’s heads. The study showed that the part of men’s brains that was activated when seeing a girl in a bikini was the same part of their brain that they used when using tools. That part of the brain works like, “I use. I pull. I push.” This is not what the men reported but based on their brain activity so you know it’s not biased on what the men thought they should say so as not to look like jerks or pervs. That part of the brain is also the same part where men think of homeless people and drug addicts. They see scantily-clad women, homeless people, and drug addicts as objects with no feelings. But when it came to women who were covered up, their brain saw the women as people with feelings. SHOCKING!
Men know up front whether they are attracted to you or not. Women are sometimes the other way; we may not be attracted initially, but later on, we can think, “I know he’s just a friend, but he could have potential to be more…” Men know in the first three seconds or less whether they would ever be romantically or physically attracted to you. There’s no use in trying to manipulate or change that by buying gifts, being flirty, etc. because it’ll never happen for you and him. There’s a built-in chemical effect that goes on between a man and a woman when they are attracted to each other, and you can’t affect that chemistry by tricks and gimmicks. It’s biological, so you can’t fool with it. It’s just the way it is.
I read in the other book that birth control pills can affect a woman’s biological chemistry. It said that birth control pills can have a negative affect on a woman’s chemistry because she will start to pick the wrong men based on the unnatural attraction. It said women on birth control usually pick a guy with similar biological chemistry as her so that relationship will rarely work. After they get married and she stops the birth control for them to have children, she realizes that their biological chemistry did not mix and that she was fooled by the birth control pill. When it comes to biological chemistry, opposites do attract. So if you are with a guy now, and you are on birth control pills, the book suggested that you get off of them for awhile to see if you really like this person and if he really likes you.
Of course, there are the exceptions to the rules. But those could be about 1 in about 200,000,000. You don’t want to make a lottery out of your romantic chances, so you should just take the advice from these three very honest men. In your case, it’ll probably be how the book said it will be unless a miracle occurs. Hope this helps, ladies!
Many Christians are against premarital sex for religious reasons, but amazingly, the secular material here is in support of that without even using the bible!