In many aspects of our life, me and my fellow members of the microwave generation get very frustrated when we don’t get EVERYTHING we want EXACTLY when we want it, for virtually NOTHING. There is actually something very wrong with that. Back in my grandmother’s day, if you wanted something of great value, you would work very hard to get the money for it over a period of time. And once you got all the money for it, you would go buy it and take pride in 100% owning it brand new. But in my mom’s and my generation, if we see something of great value, we swipe our credit card, take it home that day, and worry about making the payments and paying the interest on it. And by the time we actually own it 100%, it’s old and raggedy and we’re ready for a new one that costs even more money!
Ever wonder why God doesn’t give you everything you want right now as soon as you pray for it? Ever wonder why He seems to think it’s a bad idea? Why He seems to like to have us wait and pray over and over and over again for something we really want?
I have. Many times. It’s a mark of the new believer. They pray to God for their hearts’ desires and then wait for God to bring it to the door within a week. But God’s not going to do it that way. Not with that formula. The 2 Much 4 + 2 Little + 2 Soon formula = never ends well. So God doesn’t work that way because God knows that formula results in a bunch of immature, unappreciative, spoiled Christians. That is why we humans must be cautious not to let that formula govern how to relate to people – especially people we are in romantic relationships with. Let’s look at this formula through different examples to see how disastrous the results can be. I’ll begin with a personal example.
I used to date a guy back in my compromising, fence-straddling days.He quickly employed the 2M4+2L+2S formula to our relationship. Needless to say, I USED to date the guy. I could not tolerate him after I caught on to what was going on. I had the met the guy one night. He wanted to see me two days later (2 SOON) at his apartment. No date mind you (4 2 LITTLE). Just a free meet up at his apartment. I turned it down because I said I didn’t know him well enough to do something so risky. So he asked me to meet him at a park instead. That was free too, so he still got away with doing too little. We ended up kissing ON the FIRST DATE and later getting very physical about a month later (2 MUCH + 2 SOON). This young man got to use my body (2 MUCH) for pretty much nothing after only spending about 4 weeks with me. Do you think he appreciated me? Again I say, I USED to date him. This young man could not appreciate me and could not be expected to appreciate me since he used this 2m42L2s model. But let me tell you how it could have ended better (or continued on to this day perhaps).
Let’s say I met him and then I don’t let him take me out on a date until after a few weeks. The purpose would be for me to see over the phone if he’s even worth my time in person. And to be honest with you, had I just talked with him on the phone for a few days, I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to meet him because I would have found out some stuff about him that I didn’t like. But because I was so desperate at the time, I decided to meet up with him when I didn’t even know much about him! How foolish of me! I’m not saying it’s always a bad idea to go on a date with a guy a few days after you meet him, but I am saying the man will likely appreciate you more if he has to wait.
There is a tendency for humans to appreciate things they have to wait for. If you could get a medical degree in a week, you won’t appreciate it as much as you would had it taken you years to acquire. You appreciate a friend you’ve known for years more than you appreciate a friend you made in a day. Time makes things have more value in our eyes. There’s a reason there are such persons as starving artists. They may starve while alive, but many years after they die, people find millions of dollars of value in their paintings which were at first worthless to most people. Antiques were not worth much when they were first produced. But decades after they are made, they can be worth many thousands.
So I think I’ve proven that in different contexts, things have more value after they take time to acquire. The same goes for relationships. If a man has to wait weeks or months to get your phone number after he’s been hounding you for so long, he will really appreciate it when you take his number and call him or when you give him your number. So I should have maybe let the dude call me for a few weeks before I decided to meet up with him HAD I decided I even liked him and had he decided that he liked me enough to want to meet me.
For Too Little
The next factor that threw off the equation ending successfully in our relationship was that I let him get away with doing minimal work. He only had to do very little to win my time and affection. He didn’t have to chat me up for weeks to convince me to let him take me out on a date. He didn’t have to spend ANY money on the first date. He didn’t even dress up. He literally rolled out of bed in a t-shirt and basketball shorts that were sagging down showing his underwear and drove to the nearest park to meet me. It was not even a park with swings, slides, and monkey bars. He did not have to spend a single dime or spend any time preparing for this date. He got away with doing very little to win my time. Now don’t get me wrong, I can understand being broke. I can totally understand if the young man had no money the week he met me and could not afford to take me to a nice restaurant. And that is why I let him get away with too little because I didn’t know his financial situation. But if he was broke that week, he should have valued my presence enough to WAIT until he saved up enough money or at least until pay day! Heck, he could have even borrowed money from his friends to take me out IF he thought I was so special. But no, why would he? He had already gotten away with Too Soon.
Let’s discuss how he would have appreciated me more had I not let him get away with Too Little. Well, had I not let him get away with doing Too Little, one of two things would have happened. He could have either dipped out and showed that he was cheap or lazy. Or he could have stepped up to the occasion and showed that he was not cheap or lazy. But I would never know because I didn’t even “charge him”. How will you know how much someone is willing to pay unless you state the price? You’ll never know if a buyer is willing to pay $1 for a $5 object or $5 for a $5 object or even $5 for a $1 object. I had never charged him, so now I’ll never know what he was willing to pay on a first date. I’m not promoting golddiggerism, but I do promote knowing if a guy thinks you’re even worthy of a $10 meal at IHOP. Speaking of breakfast restaurants, the second time I was supposed to see him, he wanted me to meet him at the FREE park again, but my mom caught me as I was leaving the door and told me that I was better than free, so I let him take me to CK Coffee Shop. My mom – who is discerning of my worth – did not want her beloved, valuable daughter being treated to a free park in the dark, so she had me text him and tell him to take me somewhere to eat. Now I will admit that I suggested a fast food restaurant or CK because it was the halfway mark between where both of us lived, and I didn’t know his financial situation at the time. And because of fear of looking like a golddigger, I suggested cheap places. And of course, being a Too Little person, he accepted to lowest bid, the lowest offer to see me again. Had he appreciated me the first night, he would have said, “No, Mistye. Let me take you somewhere nice.” I’m getting mad just thinking about how much he did not appreciate me! But what could I expect when I had accepted it not to mention SUGGESTED it?
Let’s get to the third factor. The Too Much factor. Just as we are with God in prayer when we want TOO MUCH when all we offer God is a lukewarm, fencestraddling form of holiness and a two-minute prayer, this young man wanted TOO MUCH for free and too soon. This next part kind of hurts me because I had planned on not kissing anybody else until my husband on our wedding day at the altar after our lifetime commitments had been made before our family, our friends, and our God. But this young man leaned in for a kiss on the FIRST DATE AND I MADE OUT WITH HIM! Unbelievable. I was willing to make the man who wanted to spend the rest of my life with me wait until after our wedding vows to kiss these lips but I let some guy I knew for two days kiss me without any commitment! Ridiculous! He had gotten too much from the kiss alone! He had gotten my future husbands lips. And as I said earlier, I ended up getting very physical with him about a month later. At this point he had spent at least some money on me, but still not much. Just a couple dinners and a couple of movies. And he got my entire body for four dates. Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes that I would let that happen to me. Because of low self-esteem, loneliness, desperation, and hormones, I had given a guy my MOST precious possession (my body) for virtually nothing. He did want to marry me and did profess his love for me, but at that point, I was so disappointed in his trying to get everything for nothing that I was already done with him.
To add insult to injury, the young man would sometimes go several days without contacting me. Now before he got to play with the body, he would text or call throughout the day. But after he got 2M 4 2L 2S, it could be five days, seven days, or ten days with no contact from him. And then when he got lonely, he would send me a text saying “I miss you.” He did not miss me as he said because you reach out to folk you miss.
I actually told God that if He would give me another chance with another man, I would no longer live my life by the 2M42L2S model. The next guy will have to wait weeks to get my number. He will have to wait even more time to convince me to let him take me out. He will have to wait until after the proposal and wedding vows to even kiss me. That is perhaps the only way he will really appreciate me for the rest of our life together. I actually didn’t even want it to work out with the other guy because I knew that even if we married, he still would not appreciate me because of all the ways I compromised by sharing my body for no commitment and only after a few weeks! I don’t just want a cute, great guy to marry, but I want a cute, great guy WHO APPRECIATES ME to marry. Imagine living for decades with a man who hasn’t appreciated you since your first date? Now try again imagining a man who appreciated every time you played hard to get because it made the chase more fun? Men are like dogs, they chase/pursue things that run from them. Dogs chase cats and cars because they are hard to get. Dogs don’t have much interest in bushes and doors for the opposite reason!
I wrote this blog note because I made a big mistake that many other females make. We let our desperation make us forget that we need to be appreciated. I didn’t appreciate my salvation until I heard what it took to get it. The Supreme God and Creator of our very big universe coming down to earth to be born to live 33 sucky years in a human body only to be crucified and disrespected by some of the very people He was dying to save. Blood, sweat, and tears. Only then did I ascribe price and value and worth to salvation. Until a man has to put in hard work to get you all to himself, he will walk all over you or not appreciate you as I had been. It hurts ladies when you thought you were worth at least one text a day after being sexual with a guy and he still thinks he doesn’t have to contact you for a week afterwards if at all! Hurts! So don’t let it happen again. It’s time to close mouths and close legs ladies. You might not want to do the no kissing until the wedding day like I intend to, but seriously consider celibacy until after the wedding if you want your man to appreciate you. I’m not saying a man can’t LOVE you or won’t marry you if he has sex before marriage, but I do think it seriously decreases your value. It’s like cars. You’ll appreciate a new car you had to work hard to buy more than you will appreciate a used car your mom gave you for free. You can love them both and you can commit to them both, but you sure will appreciate one more than the other!
Let’s briefly discuss the word “appreciation”. The way I define appreciation is “ascribing or accrediting the appropriate price to a person or thing.” When I tell someone that I appreciate them or their gift or kind words, what I mean is that I discern the value in them or the gift or the kind words extended to me. I appreciate the worth of their person, words, or gift. Do men discern your value? Do they price your presence in their life appropriately?
Ladies, don’t you give another man your body when you know that man does not ascribe any worth to you. And the #1 way for man to ascribe worth to you and your body is to buy an engagement ring, send out invitations to all his closest family and friends, and tell you that he wants to the spend the rest of his life with your body whether your body gets too skinny or too fat, too sick, too old, too saggy, too wrinkly, etc. Don’t give your everything to man who gives you his nothing. Only give God and your husband your everything! This note is not just about sex, but since many American youth date that way, it’s important to apply this topic to sex.
Sex before commitment is the verbal way to say, “2M + 4 2L + 2S”. Make that man pay. Make that man wait. THEN give him everything.