Why look for Mr./Ms. Right, if you aren’t a Mr./Ms. Right yourself?
It’s a good question if you honestly think about it.
“Two 5’s can’t make a 10 relationship.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
Rationally speaking, if you are possessive, jealous, angry, abusive, a commitment phobia, and have problems with intimacy, what does it matter if you found Mr. Right? If a relationship could be perfect because of the other person’s perfection, YOU would be the one to mess up the relationship because of your issues. Reading a Dr. Henry Cloud book, I loved what he wrote when he said that two 5’s can’t make a 10 relationship; only two 10/s can make a 10 relationship. It would be the same as if your future partner were looking for a Mr. Wrong if they were Ms. Right. You would think it absurd because why would a GREAT person want to date a HORRIBLE person?
Therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re waiting or searching for your “The One” if you tend to have problems with ANY and EVERY relationship you’ve ever been in because your heart has too many issues. If you are always getting into arguments and fights with all your friends, all your family members, and all your coworkers, what do you think is going to happen in a romantic relationship? Here’s a hint: It won’t be peaches and cream either.
“You can only have relationships that equal your own ability.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
Imagine this scenario. There’s a young man named Gary. He is dating this young lady named Mya. Gary is so “perfect”! He is very romantic. He is nice, giving, loving, easy-going, loyal to Mya, and fun to be around. He trusts people and views the world as an okay place. He has healthy self-esteem. Mya on the other hand is what some people would call paranoid. She always thinks someone is out to get her. She dumped her last 6 boyfriends because she thought they were cheating on her simply because they smiled at other females. She doesn’t trust anyone because she was abused as a child. She picks fights with Gary all the time because every time he brings home flowers, she assumes he’s only doing it because he feels guilty about something – like cheating. She confronts him all the time about cheating. He always asks her to come out with him, but Mya is kind of antisocial, so she avoids going out and meeting Gary’s friends. Mya is uncomfortable with people getting close to her so she pushes Gary away. As soon as she feels that he is falling in love with her, she feel awkward and pushes him away emotionally. All Mya’s friends say, “Girl, you are so lucky! You have found Mr. Right! He is so good to you!”
Now with all that in mind, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate her relationship with Gary — a man who happens to be a Mr. Right/Soulmate/The One? You would probably rate it a 1, 2, or 3. So you see that even though she found a terrific guy, her issues made the relationship suck anyhow. Your relationships can only be as successful as you are. Believe it or not, but even though she’s a 2, and he’s a 10, the relationship will not average out to be a 6. It will be a 2. Regardless of Gary’s 10, Mya makes it a 2. You know how the saying goes that you’re only as strong as your weakest link. Like I said earlier, two 5’s can’t make a 10 relationship – just as 2 halves of a baby does not equal 1 whole baby. Both people must be a 10 if they want a 10 relationship. But if you’re content with just having a sucky 2 relationship, then either you or your significant other need to be a 2.
I love this quote I picked up by Sidney Poitier. It says, “We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists…in the loved one, perfection.” I used to think that the people I loved were perfect. So when my loved ones erred, I was so devastated because I thought they could do no wrong. But now I realize that no one is perfect on this earth. True enough, God is perfecting us on earth (if we a Christians), and in heaven we will be perfect. But right now, we are very imperfect. Not just us, but so are our loved ones. So don’t get rid of people just because they aren’t perfect and don’t do whatever you want them to do when you want them to do it. There is no such thing as a perfect person, so don’t waste your time looking. BUT you can look for a person with good relationship skill that you like.
“Good relationships come from having the skills to produce them.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
For people who “know” in their hearts that when they meet their “The One” that things will be all pie in the sky-like, answer me this. If you are severely bipolar and your “The One” is mentally healthy, will you two be unconditionally happy? My answer is no. You will still have many relationship issues because people who are manic-depressive are sometimes very unhappy alone. So it matters not if they are with another person who is happy all the time. That is because people with that kind of mental illness will just be miserable at times because of the chemical imbalances in their brain. If two serial killers were each others’ “The One,” it would still not result in a happy, healthy relationship because the two of them still have issues when it comes to respecting other people’s lives and emotions. If they will kill several people for fun, do you think they will easily love another person just because they are soulmates?
“More important than finding your ‘The One’ is making sure that you have the needed skills to make a relationship last.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
More important than meeting The One is BEING The One. Dr. Henry Cloud said that you will more than likely get Mr./Ms. Right when YOU are a Mr./Ms. Right yourself. If I promised you that I knew there was a “The One” out there for you, I’d also tell you that you’d NEVER meet him until you developed the skills to have a good relationship with him or her. People study for years to be successful lawyers, doctors, and engineers, but they think they can just get into a GREAT relationship with absolutely no studying and no skills. If you had good parents and a good childhood, sometimes having a good relationship comes easy for you. But for those of us who did not have great parents and great childhoods and who have resulting emotional issues because of it, WE need to study! We spend more time debating which car to buy and which apartment complex to live in than we spend time debating who we want to spend the rest of our lives with and to mother and father or current or future children! When you date people, you are picking a huge part of your future/destiny, so choose carefully.
Imagine that you are a Ms./Mr. Right. Some dude or chick approaches you saying, “Guess what? We need to get married. You are a Ms./Mr. Right. More specifically, you are MY Mr./Ms. Right. I’ve been waiting and looking for you ALL OF MY LIFE. I got two round-trip plane tickets to Las Vegas where we can get hitched. Never mind that I’m abusive, paranoid, and have a fear of intimacy. All that matters is that YOU are Ms./Mr. Right. Because of your perfection, the relationship will be perfect regardless of how psycho I might just be.”
You’d be like, “Are you kidding me? If I’m Mr./Ms. Right, I want a Ms./Mr. Right to match with me! I’ve worked too hard on my character, my emotional issues, and my communication skills to waste them on some psycho!”
“I see people looking for the “right one”, but it never occurs to them that they need to become the right one in order to attract the right one.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
So there. The Mr. and Ms. Rights of the world want Ms. and Mr. Rights too. They don’t want Mr. and Ms. Wrongs. I hope that I am a Ms. Right. I was at one time, Ms. WAY Wrong. But God has taken out my heart of stone and has put in a heart of flesh. I have read many books and have taken classes in college on communication, relationships, childhood issues. I also know people who have taught me that the way I dealt with people was way wrong. And most transformative of all, God showed me how to treat and love people. He has RADICALLY changed my life. He didn’t just stop at saving my soul from eternal damnation. But He went so far as to restore my soul. And He also gave me wisdom and knowledge on how to deal with people. So now I am emotionally able to love, commit, and be intimate with others. I’m not just talking about for a husband. I was unable to have healthy relationships with myself, friends, and family members because of my issues and poor communication skills. Your relationships will only be as healthy as you are. For example,I’m sure prostitutes, murders, child molesters, and rapists don’t have positive, healthy relationships with themselves — let alone others.
Even if God were to give you the best option of partners, you can unintentionally sabotage ALL of them if your heart is emotionally unhealthy. I could have had so many great friendships, but I let them slip by because of my issues. I don’t believe that everyone has a soulmate; I believe that there are many men that I can be happily ever after with. I don’t have to have a “The One”. (However, I do believe that some people do have soulmates because of the very strange circumstances in which they met and how their lives turned out. Makes you think it had to have been God that set it up for them to meet. But I digress.)
Many people can be happy with many other people. And at the same time, many people can be happy with NO ONE. People like Saddam Hussein could be happy with NO ONE because he was evil. But people like Jesus can be happy with many because He is so loving and understanding. But I recall that even the nice, perfect Jesus had people who did not like him even though he was nice and sinless — even people who claimed to believe in God none the less! So if people couldn’t get along with Jesus, that just goes to show that some people are just difficult.
I’ll give a real-life example. I have a friend who was diagnosed as bipolar and perhaps a few other mental and emotional issues. She is very fun to be around when she’s in her manic mood. I’m guessing this is the mood that she is in when she gets her boyfriends. This friend of mine has had SO many boyfriends I don’t think she even knows how many. But anywho, when she gets in her depressed or bad manic state, she is very difficult to get along with. It’s nothing strange for me and our other mutual friend to get a random phone call from her saying crazy things about us that are untrue. She also does this to her boyfriends. If they LOOK at another girl (which men will do because they are visual beings), she will dump them. It can be 2 weeks into the relationship, and she will dump him when she gets in one of her moods for the most trivial reasons. So sad to say, people like my friend will likely never get into a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship unless her issues are resolved.
I hope I’m not offending anyone with this mental illness. I’m not saying that all bipolar/manic-depressive persons are doomed never to have a successful relationship; I’m just using my friend for example because I’ve known her for about 13 years. So I’ve had plenty of observation to see how she works with others. But what I’m basically trying to say is that no matter how great of a guy she gets, she manages to single-handedly destroy the relationship because of her mental illness. It’s not necessarily her fault because she didn’t ask to have the mental illness, but it just goes to show that WE can sabotage (meaning we can intentionally mess up any chance of the success of our own) elationships. This also goes for jobs and other things. Our heart and mental condition can mess up our successes.
“When the student is ready, a teacher will appear. As you are ready, the next step will appear. We attact into our lives what we are ready for.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
I have worked with some very mentally and emotionally disturbed youth. Many of them will probably grow up looking for a perfect man to heal all their hurts caused by abusive or neglectful parents in childhood. They think that all their depression, loneliness, and self-esteem issues will go away as soon as they meet this dream guy or dream girl. But little do they know that those same issues they will try to make him or her fix will be the same issues that will keep him or her at bay. I love the quote, “When the student is ready, the tutor will appear.” I believe that we attract into our lives what we are ready for. A ten year old cannot expect to get job offers, but a person who has a college degree, who has done internships, and who is qualified CAN.
“The key to finding the right partner is to look for a person with good character, not simply a good personality.” – Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.
Men, don’t look or waste time waiting for Ms. Perfect to come strolling by because she’ll never come, but if you do look for and find a wife like the ones described in Proverbs 31, you will have found yourself a good thing! Women, the Bible doesn’t seem to tell us much about how to find a man because we should probably be WAITING and getting ready for one – not looking. If we have three good choices of men offering you an engagement ring, I believe that we should choose the one that is most compatible with us and who makes us happiest. But of course, God knows best, and He knows the unknown. So if you pray to Him, He might give you insight that lets you know which man will result in the happiest, most successful marriage.
My family and I love the movie “Gone With The Wind.” I thought Scarlett O’Hara was so lucky that she had so many suitors willing to marry her. She could have had any one of the suitors she wanted, and she did choose more than one because two died and so she remarried. They were probably all great finds, but because of her coveting of Ashley Wilkes, she couldn’t possibly have been very happy with either of the three of her ex-husbands. She looked great on the outside and was very charming; but her heart was not right. Therefore, she was unhappy with her 3 ex-husbands.
So basically, I wrote and shared this note because I was blessed by and want to help others with the truths I learned from Dr. Henry Cloud. It really blessed me to hear that I can be happy with a number of men just so long as BOTH of us were emotionally healthy. Sure I’d be happier with some men more than others, but I’d still be happy because I make sure that I am happy alone in case I never get married at all. If you’re a Christian reading this post, find a man or woman who has a personal relationship with God and Jesus. Then when you have those options listed, choose the men or women who have very little emotional baggage that would inevitably damage the longevity and health of the relationship. Then when you have that list of people, pick the ones that you are most compatible with. Then when you have that list, pick the ones you’re happiest with/love the most. And if you haven’t found him or her yet, ask God to choose for you!
Remember in all your ways you should acknowledge God and let Him direct your paths. So throughout the whole “elimination process”, acknowledge and listen to God, and He’ll let you know whether or not your suitors are even good options. However, you may be one of the few people who have a soul mate. So in that case, you can just prepare and wait until he or she appears. Or you could be one of the few people that God intends on being single for their whole life. (Don’t cry!). But if you are to be married, then until then, YOU BE “THE ONE” or work on being The One.
After all, if you’re a Mr. or Ms. Wrong, a Ms. or Mr. Right wouldn’t want to waste his or her time on you anyway.
I got most of this insight from one of my favorite authors that I absolutely love named Dr. Henry Cloud. He is a Christian psychologist. I love his books. Second to the Bible, they have perhaps impacted my life the most when it comes to relationships and resolving emotional issues. Some of them are the Boundaries books. Also, Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D. is a wonderful author. My dad gave me her book titled Are You The One for Me? It taught me a lot about my issues that were sabotaging my relationships with others and why.